Who am I if not for

Who am I if not for what I love

if not for my interests and hobbies

if not for what they think I am

 

without anything to define me

who am I without you

who am I if not for my talents

who am I without the people who love me

if not for my aspirations

 

who am I

without the past that brought me here

who am I, without my happiness and without my tears

who am I, without all the years

without my body and without my fears

without anything to define me

 

are they ever going to call me an artist

after I’ve left this place and joined the crowds in heaven

 

compliments come and go

and next year you’ll be gone, and your fans will be gone too

and you will lose it all

if you rely on the stage to hold you over the killing crowds

 

always trying to find another way to perfection

just to find a little bit of recognition in the outside world

just because you never recognized your soul

 

now i look deep within

and realize I never really knew myself

who am I and am I even here? beneath the charades and all the bullshit that enclosed my soul all these years

 

i don’t want to join the crowd now, I would rather disappear

yet i still feel unfamiliar

with my own shadow

 

who am I?

stripped down to the core

 

Because I don’t know…
So I ask myself…

 

Who are you?

If not for what you love

if not for your interests and hobbies

 

And when I look at you

I clearly see your soul

 

Why do I love you so much?

 

You’re not an artist

you’ve never been on the news for being a hero

you’re not societies ideal of beautiful

yet in my eyes

you are everything that is meaningful

and I love you so much that words can’t describe it

my love for you goes beyond everything that you do

 

because you’ve never run a marathon

and you’ve never donated money to the church

You have no hobbies or interests that define you

you aren’t creative and you have no skills

you never work and you never succeed in society

you never take care of me and I’ve never asked you to

 

but when you look up at me, I can see how much you adore me

and our connection goes so deep

and you love me unconditionally too

 

so what do I love about you – I love your soul and I love your personality

if I was blind and looking at anyone else, I would be able to sense and feel that it wasn’t you

 

so who am I

if not for what I love, for my dreams, and my abilities

I am my soul

and I haven’t been very united with it

it’s very unfamiliar to me

but when you look at me

I can tell you are familiar with my soul

just like I am familiar with yours

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Cave Boy

cave_art_by_sdgeiger-dbh5scm

This is one of my personal favorites and unfortunately, it’s very hard for me to photograph the beauty and detail in it, mostly because it’s so large and even the best lighting never captures all the colors properly. Close up you can see very intricate details like fur and cave art on the walls, and I even hid the famous and disturbing Birdman of Lascaux somewhere in there.

This was painted with many layers of watered down acrylics on hard wood panel.

 

These People

the other day I went to join a new game

and all the nameless people there beat me down and kicked me out

just an outcast shivering in my shame

they just stood there and watched me cry

they told me I had to take the blame

they took my soul, and just kept beating, then dug the hole, pushed me in

and watched me die

i don’t know what these people see in me that makes them think I’m so lame

but all they care about is

making sure I never win this game

 

sometimes i wish for recognition, sometimes i wish for fame

every chance I take, life beats me back down to the floor

sometimes I wish I was a different person, sometimes I wish I had a different name

sometimes I wish for something more

 

and I could never hurt them back because I’m too tame

I don’t know why I am the one who is always wrong

and I never see evidence of karma, it’s about time it came

and taught all these crazy people how to get along

 

if you want me to be confident then you’ve got to stop fucking with my mind

if you want me to be happy then you’ve got to stop fucking with my life

 

oh I try so hard to be confident, and sometimes I start to feel a trace

of it somehow

but then I hear nothing but insults and all my confidence is erased

everyone hates me now

sometimes i wonder if it’s because of my ugly face

or if it’s because I’m fat like a cow

why else would I be such a disgrace

and why should all of this hatred be allowed

and all the careless people never intervene

everywhere I go, people are mean

 

i have no one on my side

every single person

always hating me, no matter how hard I’ve tried

and as my feelings worsen

i wonder if they would ever be regretful if I died

 

but of course they wouldn’t care

i try so hard to keep my head above the water, but all they ever do is push it back under

but of course life isn’t fair

 

and after all the abuse I am still here

after all the beatings

after all the tears

although my soul is bleeding

i wonder if my life is trying to teach me how to resist fear

of all the thoughts these stupid people are thinking of me

and resilience so I can rise above their heartless sneers

how to just stop giving a fuck about their meaningless opinions about me

how to let go of all the pain that hangs near

how to just be me

without letting all these people

dictate my fucking life

hate my fucking soul

and chase me from my dreams and goals

 

i can’t let these people drive me to the edge of life

so I’ve got to try to find a way to hold on until everything is alright

i can be me without their approval, i don’t need the knife

because it’s my own soul I have to fight

 

why do I care so much what these people think?

when all they ever do is hurt my heart

i don’t want to spend my life feeling so out of sync

with who I am, and who they are

these people aren’t worthy of my pain

i don’t think their hatred is personal

obsessed with technology and gore

they’re just delusional

they have no souls, all they care about is war

these people aren’t my people

anymore

Mt Washington Village

20170513_153404

3 Canvases. Acrylic landscape paintings of Mt Washington Village. My parents live up the mountain the entire winter season so they wanted me to paint this for their cabin. It was my first time painting houses, and although it took forever, I found that I don’t mind painting houses so I may do some more landscape scenes with architecture in the future.

20170513_194005

 

Fox

20170424_093622

20170424_093603 (1)

This is a tribute acrylic painting based on Jonny Armstrong’s wildlife photography.

Every once in awhile I come across these amazing photographers who capture these phenomenal scenes, so I contact them and ask them if I can turn their photograph into art.

This is Jonny Armstrong’s original photograph and his website here.

jonny armstrong

Forgiveness

I love the rain

as it washes away lifetimes of shame

soothing my emotions

like a bird, flying away from the nest

I’m opening my heart

no longer traveling in the dark

 

My ancestors are dancing along this lonely plain

I’m no longer in pain

 

My soul was injured

and it’s time to let it all soar out of my flesh

 

No longer harboring this sadness

I am free to let my emotions flow

Like the rain that soothes

It runs down my body

Like a captured bird, I let it go

watch it fly proudly

to its destiny

 

the innocent unfearing champion

The sunset promises me

comfort at the end of the day

after such a treacherous journey

 

my ancestors are calling

and I curl up and fall asleep with him by the fire

safe and loved at last

because now we can let our true selves bloom

like a never wilting flower

and the rain falls

ever so lightly falling

and with my ancestors, I am dancing

celebrating

our escape from our ever so forsaken past

we are strong now

we are proud

 

I will let this hatred go

The pains and wounds and scars of the past

can heal

on the horizon, I see a rainbow

yielding its treasures of peace and happiness

This struggle isn’t real

and all the soul demons dancing out of me in a line

they scatter away like fleas

I see the ocean

and it calls to me to breathe

cleansing my soul of pain

and here I am

strong and pure

ready to start a brand new day

I won’t be buried by fear

I will live

rising from the grave

I have the whole world

and so much love

just waiting

for me to shine

my ancestors are waiting

for me to catch up

now – happy for eternal lifetimes

it is time

for the rain to take away my fear and hatred

I forgive you and I am free

you no longer bind me

I am sorry for what you did

I am

I am letting you go

in the wind

like a bird, fly away

into your beautiful destiny

like my heart, ever flowering

I can feel compassion

and I want you to be free

I wish you the best

along your journey

as we take our separate ways

and I learn from you

this curse was always a blessing

in disguise

and I am forever grateful

for another chance

to grow and live

for this time, I am love

loving and I have no fear

set free from limitations

my soul soars beyond this place

I am home finally

and I love you and I love myself

like a welcome friend,

I have found forgiveness

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To The Man Who Killed Me

He stood covered in clay, his eyes dark and his skin turned gray

 

then he jumped into the peaceful bay

 

I stared down at the water, and then my reflection turned into a blur

 

a distorted image of myself was the last thing I saw before I was murdered

 

In this pool of water, I was drowned

in this pool of water, my insecurities were found

 

He hung my body in a tree that day; I became just a disgusting decoration on display

He disrespected my body and my soul and that pain will never go away

 

What am I to you kind sir? Turns out I’m just a worthless object that you can slaughter

 

I am not worthless….

 

Because of you I will always feel insecure

 

You didn’t know me, so why did you hate me so much?

 

I am ready to venture out of the water to a future I can barely touch

 

Because of you I have never felt good enough

 

I can’t forgive you, but I have to if I ever want to get over this stuff

 

I never thought of myself as ugly and worthless until you killed me,

surely you wouldn’t have killed me if I was beautiful

or if I had a good soul

All I saw was my rippled reflection and all the terrible things you did to my body

 

The angels came and tried to save me from my desperation, but I sent them away

and I still feel stuck there to this day

 

Constantly drowning in this water

 

I followed you for years just trying to find out why

 

Why did I deserve to die?

 

And I never found the answer to that question

 

I watched my body rot, so ugly and forgotten

 

I became that, forever onwards, just an ugly deformed thing that has no meaning

 

I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did, I can’t let go of this pain, that is constantly demeaning

 

I don’t want to be attached to my corpse forever

I have a new life and I want to live, without you here

but because of you I’m not confident, and everything I see is just a blur

I’m not sure where to go from here

 

I guess I need to let you go and the only way to do that is to find forgiveness

I don’t know why you did what you did, maybe you thought I deserved it or maybe it was an action committed through impulsiveness

But I can’t heal my wounds until I find forgiveness

 

You can kill my body, but you can never kill my soul

You can kill me, but you will never take my soul

 

I saw everything you did to me, and then I saw more

I saw how you killed others after me, and I saw all the gore

Even though my soul is sore,

I’m not a worthless stranger anymore

I haunted you for so long

My soul became so insecure, for thousands of years, because of what you did to me

but I am still here, I no longer feel fear, even though you killed me

I never disappeared

And now I am just angry at you

And if I can find it in my heart to forgive you

then I will be whole again

Oh how I really want to be whole

 

I want to put an end to so many lifetimes of abuse and feeling victimized

Just because of one man, will I forever be chastised?

Why am I carrying around this hatred?

Allowing the cycle of murder to continue on

All it does is continue to give you power over me

I have been haunting this man for too long,

as he has been haunting me

Am I a victim, still?

Because I don’t want to be

God, please help me find the ability to forgive him

so that I can once again be free

 

Blinded by Infatuation

I know the music sounds so chipper, but my mood has sunken down through the floorboards, so bitter

it makes me wonder, if she ever enjoyed a good song like this, or if she ever saw the stars glitter

what nasty, vile creature was harbored in her soul, to make her such a quitter?

she was so beautiful and she could have been something better

but she had that empty feeling deep down in her soul

I don’t think anyone could have saved her

 

That beautiful Asian flower…

 

You see, she met a guy online and dreamed of running away to Ireland

but her mamma said stay, this is where you belong

but she didn’t find any comfort in her own culture’s music

she could never sing along

and she desperately sought something more spiritual than her island

and it made her mamma cry

every time her daughter wistfully gazed up into the sky

every time she talked about running away

just to be with some older guy

 

so her parent’s set her up with a young Asian man

and she was happy with him for so many days

 

I’m pretty sure it was just a silly phase

because her naivety caught her up in a maze, that had a doom-filled ending

 

And do you know what’s interesting?

she never fell in love, she was just blinded by infatuation

and he never loved her either because

one day he told her to meet her down by the riverside

and he told her he was leaving without much of an explanation

he just didn’t love her anymore

 

and that’s why her life ended that night

 

I know it’s a terrible story but thanks for listening

you might think it was a tragic love story

but how? that girl never knew love

and she killed herself so early

and vowed to never love again, even in reincarnation

 

And all they saw when they found her

was a picture of her and him

in the middle of all her blood glistening

 

and her mamma asked, why oh why?

and they said she was just blinded by infatuation

this was no act of desperation in the name of love,

no Romeos here, no Juliets – but they wanted a better explanation

And now I can’t help but ponder as I listen to this uplifting love song

is it something her soul regrets?

 

so I search deep inside, why, why, why?

why did she live such a tragic life?

what was the point of her suffering, if not to teach us something now

 

her soul could have been bright like the sun and free like an eagle

but she became that poor Asian flower cast by her own shadow

 

It wasn’t his fault, she never could have blamed that guy Romeo

I know, it was just because she didn’t know who she was inside

lost and in search of her salvation

she felt lonely, and a huge sense of dislocation

when she couldn’t know herself, she couldn’t feel the sun

her mother was spiritual and supportive, but through her genes, she was the magical one

but she refused to accept who she was right until the day she died

and so I say, my friends, dance and sing!

and embrace the true love in life, that glistens for everyone and everything

life is too precious to be blinded by infatuation!

that real love is everywhere, but it doesn’t come from outside

it’s in our hearts

inside you and I

and inside we know how to follow love instead of infatuation

and I will live my life, doubly in love just for her, with clear eyes

shining brightly like the sun, free like the eagle, until the day I die

and I hope that you, too, won’t be blinded by infatuation

 

R.I.P my Asian flower

Bring on the swarm

I am the tornado, the angry waves, the storm

for you

I am protecting you from the swarm

 

and here the whole world comes to burn you

and here I come to love you

 

i hate to see anyone stand alone

so i will stand with you no matter what you are facing

and i will take on your pain so you don’t have to take it on your own

no one deserves to be attacked by a whole army

as they stand petrified and heart broken all alone

so i am going to stand in front of you

you can hide behind me

even if they hurt you, i will cradle your soul

i would die before i let them get to you

i will help you because your soul is beautiful

 

I will breathe in deeply of that negative energy

and transform it into light

for you

 

i am a gigantic black screen

cast around you

so you can continue to project your dreams

oh please go be a beautiful person

 

i will protect you from the world

the world has gone loopy

 

what is wrong with all of you people

why can’t you see

he made a mistake

but he is hurting and human like you and me

 

what is wrong with all of you people

why cna’t you see

you’re burning him at the stake

you’re psychopathic, immoral and you live so blindly

 

if it is truly injustice that you see

then why can’t you see

that harming someone for their mistakes is just as wrong

 

I will always be the one who sticks up for the minority

I will always be the one who lets them speak

maybe it is because i know how it feels

to have everyone turn against me

or maybe i just have compassion

but as long as I am alive, I swear I will never be

part of the crowd that stones someone just because they were a bully

i will never support the singling out of one person and if I ever do

I hope god betrays me

So Shallow

 

I guess it’s time for me to do some soul searching

Maybe it’s time to stop being so shallow

Baby it’s time for me to face everything

I need to be honest and let you know

 

I spent my whole life based on fake butterfly thrills

caught up in vanity and fake beauty

I just wanted to be one of those beautiful girls

They all thought I was so beautiful

filling myself up on bullshit but I never felt full

so pitiful

blinded and brittle, I just followed

but…

deep inside I was so alone, so numb, so hollow

 

And I cried inside so hard, as I harmed myself repeatedly

wishing I would find true love

I had sex with so many other guys wishing secretly

I would find the one

They all treated me like scum

and I pretended I was numb but when I went home alone,

I would cut myself, starve myself, and cry

always wondering why

I was destined to die on my own

 

I poisoned myself with these thoughts of being worthless

for too long

Thinking I had to shape myself into something perfect

hurting myself so I would belong

In order to find your love, that eluded me

But all along you were there

All along you were here for me

But I was so blind, so shallow

so I didn’t see you standing there

 

And now you confess to me your love

and here I am thinking I’m not good enough

 

always wanting more, always wanting something physical

always pushing you away, always getting quizzical

 

but baby, I’m sorry, of course I love you more than that, I want your soul

I’m sorry I’ve been so bad

I love you whole

 

My colors dimmed but I want them to be shining

The spell of society

I wish I could forget all of that

my true colors, my true self, I am refining

there is nothing here for me amongst all the fake things

I don’t want any of that

 

I don’t care about anyone else, I just want you

I don’t care about all these fake, shallow people, I want something more than that

Baby I hope you know how much I love you

And I don’t want to be forever lost in the vanity

I don’t want to be blind to your love as I’m lost in my misery

 

I’m sorry I got lost in all the fake glitter of the world

The pain deep in my soul is what kept me so obscure to you

I’m insecure and afraid because I’m stuck in the past

baby, beauty dies and we will die, but I know our love will last

 

all I know, is everything I ever found

I’m sorry, I’m not used to this thing called love

but I don’t want to be obsessed with vanity

I do want to be in love, truly

 

I want to open my heart to you, but I’m so scared

the world is holding me back with all the signs

saying I’m not pretty enough, I’m never going to be loved because

my physical self is so messed up

 

I’m just a little girl again, innocent and free and I just want to be me

i wish i could forget

I wish I could unwind societies strings off of me, I will no longer be

a shallow marionette

 

I just want to be happy

and i want to stop relating that to being shallow

my soul deserves more than that

you’re the only one I want to follow

I don’t know if I’ll ever escape this disease

but I hope you’ll wait for me

because I do want you,

I just want to get out

I don’t want me to be so focused on being so shallow

 

I created so many unrealistic fantasies, about you and I

but my love for you is deeper than that

the truth is, I don’t care if we never have bodies, I don’t need a palace and a life full of money

because i care about more than just that

i love your soul

i love you whole

baby, I swear somewhere deep inside

I’m really not so shallow

What do you want from me?

I don’t want to waste my time on other girls

You’re the only one for me

I could wait as long as it takes

as long as I could end up with you

Maybe I was wrong to put you in this situation

Maybe you want an instantaneous love affair

but I thought our love was strong

maybe I was wrong

to ask you to wait for me

but I thought our love would stand the test of time

I don’t feel like we’re on the same page

you need to ask yourself, what do you want from me?

Because I’m in this for life, I made the commitment

I’m loyal to you until the end

Do you want sex with other guys

or do you want a deeper love with me?

Because our love knows no bounds

I’m just waiting for you

and I really want to hear that you love me

and that you’ll continue waiting for me

you mean so much to me

I’m sorry that asking you to wait for me has hurt you

That’s not what I want

Decide whether you want to be with me

or without me and free to do as you will

I’ll support you no matter what

I just want you to be happy

I guess you want what you’ve known

but all that glitters isn’t gold

You always said you wanted true love

but does that come with physicality

and all the fantasies that you’ve built up in your dreams

could you love someone

even if love isn’t what it seems

I’m not saying we’ll never have our moment in the sun

that kind of love that usually happens for everyone

but until then

we need to make the best out of what we have

and I feel like we have a lot

we are sure a lot to lose

You always prayed that you would find true love

and isn’t what we have truer than anything?

I may not be there in the way you want

but I love you more than anything

Would you only love me if I had money

or the means to bring you everything you desire?

Am I meant to be a hero or your savior

to rescue you from Earth and take you higher?

Why do you need all these things

for you to feel my love?

Do you love me or do you just want me

based on your precious fantasy of someone else who is all glittery

I am a real man

but I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes

I wish I could give you all that I can

I wish I could be there

but nothing is as it seems

I wish you could understand

but there’s not much I can say

to change your mind

so what do you want from me?

do you want my love

or do you want me to set you free?

Because I will always be your man

Until death do us part, I will do what I can

I wish you would agree, to wait with me

and experience true love with me for eternity

You know I’m a pretty simple guy

I just want you, and no one else in my life

and I will be here forever with you

if only you come back to me as my wife

Titles

you tried so hard to be someone else you gave yourself a personality disorder

maybe they should have guessed all that attention seeking was covering something pretty deep

the wound in your soul seeps out a pretty astringent disease

and they try to wrap you up in a pretty box that speaks and sees

maybe you’re a wild bengal but you’re nothing they can’t tame and nothing they can’t keep

they will figure out what makes you tick and beep

the inner workings of your kind

the mount everest of the mind is so cold and steep

you really don’t want to get left behind

 

what are we doing here, trying to be social, trying to find some interesting filler

you don’t have the makings of a serial killer

you’re just an average joe trying to connect the dots in the heart aching thriller called life

the ignorant hypocrite walks straight into hell on earth and then he finds a gold mine

flat earth is really extending out this time, it’s becoming even flatter

you’re not anything like I was back in the day but does it really matter?

the monsoon comes to tear your life up, but it’s your happiness that falters

does it really matter when your reality was altered?

all you need to know is you were given a second chance

 

so what are they going to call you in this chapter of your life

quit stalling, start living, you get to decide

light some candles and drop off your demons, you don’t need the monsters on your side anymore

you dragged yourself through so much pain, and you survived,

so why do you continue to think you’re so weak?

you’re strong enough to win the fight, you don’t need to hide

go now, I just know you can be your own hero

whoa now, slow down, life isn’t a race, but although no one really knows

you can still listen to your heart and stare out your soul window

rip off your name tags and throw out all your fake identities

now you can be whatever you please

no titles, just you

no titles, no disease

now you can be whatever you please

Too Good To Be True

Like an injured seagull resting on the wind

I might fall onto the rocks below

and bruise my hope

and lose my soul

 

I feel like my faith has thinned

I don’t know how to go with the flow

I can use my rope

if you would pull

 

But are you even there

I just don’t know…

Are you here?

I just don’t know

 

Maybe I will wait on this rock forever more

I’m pounding against its surface

but I can’t get out

I can’t find you

 

There are monsters lurking inside my core

I’m waking to a lovely sunlit bliss

but you fill me with doubt

why are we askew?

 

I wish we could live happily ever after

but maybe the promises are lies

I wish you were real

I could wish you alive

 

I really wish you were more than just a blur

I can’t see into your imaginary eyes

I wish I could feel

Can my heart survive?

 

The scariest thing that haunts me is you

You are too good to be true

 

Will I ever get to be with you?

 

In the last while, I was plagued with self-doubt

Lack of faith burrowed in my soul

I became skeptical

Unbelieving

 

And when I fell, I let you in and then kicked you out

because everything you said sounded like bull

are you cryptical

or deceiving

 

Was everything you said just a lie?

Was I always so gullible?

Can’t you give me a sign just for tonight?

If it is really possible?

 

Why is this such a narrow road?

One way, and never coming back to love

So long

So gone

 

The journey never ends here

it just goes on forever

I’m always back in this maze

Encrypting the days

 

I stand here all alone

so standoffish but so amazed

 

I try to listen to my heart

maybe it doesn’t exist

Maybe love is just a thing that only happens

to those who are lucky enough

 

Did my heart grow cold and solid

with all the blood I tried to steal?

Did the lies come from a fairytale or parable

am I even real?

 

I try to love

but I can’t feel

 

I have to be tough

when I’m not sure what’s real

 

I know you’re just a sweet error in my brain

but you taught me love somehow

and maybe this is a bittersweet end

goodbye pituitary gland…

 

Everyone knows I’m just insane

so what’s the point of fighting it now

you’re my imaginary friend

imaginary

 

The saddest thing that happened to me was you

You’re too good to be true