To The Man Who Killed Me

He stood covered in clay, his eyes dark and his skin turned gray

 

then he jumped into the peaceful bay

 

I stared down at the water, and then my reflection turned into a blur

 

a distorted image of myself was the last thing I saw before I was murdered

 

In this pool of water, I was drowned

in this pool of water, my insecurities were found

 

He hung my body in a tree that day; I became just a disgusting decoration on display

He disrespected my body and my soul and that pain will never go away

 

What am I to you kind sir? Turns out I’m just a worthless object that you can slaughter

 

I am not worthless….

 

Because of you I will always feel insecure

 

You didn’t know me, so why did you hate me so much?

 

I am ready to venture out of the water to a future I can barely touch

 

Because of you I have never felt good enough

 

I can’t forgive you, but I have to if I ever want to get over this stuff

 

I never thought of myself as ugly and worthless until you killed me,

surely you wouldn’t have killed me if I was beautiful

or if I had a good soul

All I saw was my rippled reflection and all the terrible things you did to my body

 

The angels came and tried to save me from my desperation, but I sent them away

and I still feel stuck there to this day

 

Constantly drowning in this water

 

I followed you for years just trying to find out why

 

Why did I deserve to die?

 

And I never found the answer to that question

 

I watched my body rot, so ugly and forgotten

 

I became that, forever onwards, just an ugly deformed thing that has no meaning

 

I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did, I can’t let go of this pain, that is constantly demeaning

 

I don’t want to be attached to my corpse forever

I have a new life and I want to live, without you here

but because of you I’m not confident, and everything I see is just a blur

I’m not sure where to go from here

 

I guess I need to let you go and the only way to do that is to find forgiveness

I don’t know why you did what you did, maybe you thought I deserved it or maybe it was an action committed through impulsiveness

But I can’t heal my wounds until I find forgiveness

 

You can kill my body, but you can never kill my soul

You can kill me, but you will never take my soul

 

I saw everything you did to me, and then I saw more

I saw how you killed others after me, and I saw all the gore

Even though my soul is sore,

I’m not a worthless stranger anymore

I haunted you for so long

My soul became so insecure, for thousands of years, because of what you did to me

but I am still here, I no longer feel fear, even though you killed me

I never disappeared

And now I am just angry at you

And if I can find it in my heart to forgive you

then I will be whole again

Oh how I really want to be whole

 

I want to put an end to so many lifetimes of abuse and feeling victimized

Just because of one man, will I forever be chastised?

Why am I carrying around this hatred?

Allowing the cycle of murder to continue on

All it does is continue to give you power over me

I have been haunting this man for too long,

as he has been haunting me

Am I a victim, still?

Because I don’t want to be

God, please help me find the ability to forgive him

so that I can once again be free

 

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Published by

S.D.G

Poetry and song writing is just how I express myself and cope with life. My art and novel writing is something I enjoy sometimes but not all times. Some people tell me I should sell it but it's just a hobby. You are more than welcome to support me if you would like.

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