Good Enough

i know you were there, when her cold, cold face stared me down from in the passenger mirror

and I saw the sky break, the angels sent a parade of cars and a man who blocked my path, saying you better think twice before you go here

you tried to stop me from making that mistake

but I didn’t listen – i was so caught up in the fear

the whole world paused for five minutes but I still didn’t see the sign

and just like that my future just disappeared

 

I tried my best, but my best wasn’t good enough

i’m not a good student, I don’t learn from tough love

 

i was standing there, as her cold, cold face called me a rebel because I had gotten every question wrong

so i stopped obeying the rules because I would have rather been seen as a rebel than a failure

where I used to have aspirations, they were now all gone

all i wanted was to please everybody, all I ever wanted was love

but every time I tried to do something right, I always got it wrong

so I just stopped trying

 

i was standing in front of the mirror, and I didn’t see my bones

sticking out like a birch tree, and I didn’t care that i was going to die in a heartbeat, i didn’t care that I was about to disappear

i just saw a disappointment to my family, a huge disgrace

I just wanted to make them happy, I just wanted to be perfect so they would love me

but all I was good at controlling was my deformed face

and starving my body

 

I always tried my fucking best, not any less

but my best was never good enough

for you, for anyone, for the whole damn world

 

i was just a child standing in my room, in a psych ward on a cold, cold night

the night the demons attacked

I ran to the nurses to get some help, but instead they threw me on my back, beat me and dragged me off to a cold, cold cell

that was the night I lost my trust in everyone, no one had my best interest in mind, and believe it or not, but I saw true, terrifying hell

they punished me for something I never did and I have been since trying to search for something I will never find

back then i was just a kid

but I am still terrified of not being good enough

 

i tried my best, but my best wasn’t good enough

i am not a good student, i never learned with tough love

 

I was standing in front of the judge on my 19th birthday, i had made so many mistakes i no longer cared, i was going to kill myself anyway

I devoted my life to whiskey and I don’t even think my family cared

but the best lawyer in town saw me standing there, and he chose to set me free

I guess he saw another part of me

He told me, please don’t make me regret this choice

I still made mistakes after that, but, I always remembered his voice

 

Then I was on my knees crying and praying to god because all my attempts to try had always failed

he didn’t hear me for days

but every single day I prayed

and then one day, finally, he heard me and everything just fell away

the angels came and chased the demons away

since then I’ve been conquering my pain and finding my way

it’s not something i could have done myself

because i’ve never been good enough

 

I’ve always tried my best, but my attempts to control my life always led me into a mess

and i’m really not good at cleaning up the crime scenes

 

I had high expectations for myself just because I wanted to be loved, but that kind of love isn’t really what it seems

 

So I believe

The only reason I’ve ever succeeded was because of God’s love

I’m so stupid, you know, I don’t learn with tough love

 

i was born flawed

i have imperfections and disabilities

I’ve never been perfect, but I’m still loved

I’m not good enough

that’s why I pray to god

 

they give me signs, and sometimes i’m too stupid to read

but when I do, I do succeed

 

I am standing at the end of my bed at the end of the day

hoping that I won’t fail again tomorrow

I know it’s not the end of the world if I do and I won’t give up

it’s just a stupid mistake and we still have tomorrow

but I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself, and like I’m not good enough

and i tell myself, i love you despite your flaws, you don’t have to be good enough

i love you even when you make mistakes

you don’t have to be

good enough

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Forgiveness

I love the rain

as it washes away lifetimes of shame

soothing my emotions

like a bird, flying away from the nest

I’m opening my heart

no longer traveling in the dark

 

My ancestors are dancing along this lonely plain

I’m no longer in pain

 

My soul was injured

and it’s time to let it all soar out of my flesh

 

No longer harboring this sadness

I am free to let my emotions flow

Like the rain that soothes

It runs down my body

Like a captured bird, I let it go

watch it fly proudly

to its destiny

 

the innocent unfearing champion

The sunset promises me

comfort at the end of the day

after such a treacherous journey

 

my ancestors are calling

and I curl up and fall asleep with him by the fire

safe and loved at last

because now we can let our true selves bloom

like a never wilting flower

and the rain falls

ever so lightly falling

and with my ancestors, I am dancing

celebrating

our escape from our ever so forsaken past

we are strong now

we are proud

 

I will let this hatred go

The pains and wounds and scars of the past

can heal

on the horizon, I see a rainbow

yielding its treasures of peace and happiness

This struggle isn’t real

and all the soul demons dancing out of me in a line

they scatter away like fleas

I see the ocean

and it calls to me to breathe

cleansing my soul of pain

and here I am

strong and pure

ready to start a brand new day

I won’t be buried by fear

I will live

rising from the grave

I have the whole world

and so much love

just waiting

for me to shine

my ancestors are waiting

for me to catch up

now – happy for eternal lifetimes

it is time

for the rain to take away my fear and hatred

I forgive you and I am free

you no longer bind me

I am sorry for what you did

I am

I am letting you go

in the wind

like a bird, fly away

into your beautiful destiny

like my heart, ever flowering

I can feel compassion

and I want you to be free

I wish you the best

along your journey

as we take our separate ways

and I learn from you

this curse was always a blessing

in disguise

and I am forever grateful

for another chance

to grow and live

for this time, I am love

loving and I have no fear

set free from limitations

my soul soars beyond this place

I am home finally

and I love you and I love myself

like a welcome friend,

I have found forgiveness

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To The Man Who Killed Me

He stood covered in clay, his eyes dark and his skin turned gray

 

then he jumped into the peaceful bay

 

I stared down at the water, and then my reflection turned into a blur

 

a distorted image of myself was the last thing I saw before I was murdered

 

In this pool of water, I was drowned

in this pool of water, my insecurities were found

 

He hung my body in a tree that day; I became just a disgusting decoration on display

He disrespected my body and my soul and that pain will never go away

 

What am I to you kind sir? Turns out I’m just a worthless object that you can slaughter

 

I am not worthless….

 

Because of you I will always feel insecure

 

You didn’t know me, so why did you hate me so much?

 

I am ready to venture out of the water to a future I can barely touch

 

Because of you I have never felt good enough

 

I can’t forgive you, but I have to if I ever want to get over this stuff

 

I never thought of myself as ugly and worthless until you killed me,

surely you wouldn’t have killed me if I was beautiful

or if I had a good soul

All I saw was my rippled reflection and all the terrible things you did to my body

 

The angels came and tried to save me from my desperation, but I sent them away

and I still feel stuck there to this day

 

Constantly drowning in this water

 

I followed you for years just trying to find out why

 

Why did I deserve to die?

 

And I never found the answer to that question

 

I watched my body rot, so ugly and forgotten

 

I became that, forever onwards, just an ugly deformed thing that has no meaning

 

I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did, I can’t let go of this pain, that is constantly demeaning

 

I don’t want to be attached to my corpse forever

I have a new life and I want to live, without you here

but because of you I’m not confident, and everything I see is just a blur

I’m not sure where to go from here

 

I guess I need to let you go and the only way to do that is to find forgiveness

I don’t know why you did what you did, maybe you thought I deserved it or maybe it was an action committed through impulsiveness

But I can’t heal my wounds until I find forgiveness

 

You can kill my body, but you can never kill my soul

You can kill me, but you will never take my soul

 

I saw everything you did to me, and then I saw more

I saw how you killed others after me, and I saw all the gore

Even though my soul is sore,

I’m not a worthless stranger anymore

I haunted you for so long

My soul became so insecure, for thousands of years, because of what you did to me

but I am still here, I no longer feel fear, even though you killed me

I never disappeared

And now I am just angry at you

And if I can find it in my heart to forgive you

then I will be whole again

Oh how I really want to be whole

 

I want to put an end to so many lifetimes of abuse and feeling victimized

Just because of one man, will I forever be chastised?

Why am I carrying around this hatred?

Allowing the cycle of murder to continue on

All it does is continue to give you power over me

I have been haunting this man for too long,

as he has been haunting me

Am I a victim, still?

Because I don’t want to be

God, please help me find the ability to forgive him

so that I can once again be free

 

Blinded by Infatuation

I know the music sounds so chipper, but my mood has sunken down through the floorboards, so bitter

it makes me wonder, if she ever enjoyed a good song like this, or if she ever saw the stars glitter

what nasty, vile creature was harbored in her soul, to make her such a quitter?

she was so beautiful and she could have been something better

but she had that empty feeling deep down in her soul

I don’t think anyone could have saved her

 

That beautiful Asian flower…

 

You see, she met a guy online and dreamed of running away to Ireland

but her mamma said stay, this is where you belong

but she didn’t find any comfort in her own culture’s music

she could never sing along

and she desperately sought something more spiritual than her island

and it made her mamma cry

every time her daughter wistfully gazed up into the sky

every time she talked about running away

just to be with some older guy

 

so her parent’s set her up with a young Asian man

and she was happy with him for so many days

 

I’m pretty sure it was just a silly phase

because her naivety caught her up in a maze, that had a doom-filled ending

 

And do you know what’s interesting?

she never fell in love, she was just blinded by infatuation

and he never loved her either because

one day he told her to meet her down by the riverside

and he told her he was leaving without much of an explanation

he just didn’t love her anymore

 

and that’s why her life ended that night

 

I know it’s a terrible story but thanks for listening

you might think it was a tragic love story

but how? that girl never knew love

and she killed herself so early

and vowed to never love again, even in reincarnation

 

And all they saw when they found her

was a picture of her and him

in the middle of all her blood glistening

 

and her mamma asked, why oh why?

and they said she was just blinded by infatuation

this was no act of desperation in the name of love,

no Romeos here, no Juliets – but they wanted a better explanation

And now I can’t help but ponder as I listen to this uplifting love song

is it something her soul regrets?

 

so I search deep inside, why, why, why?

why did she live such a tragic life?

what was the point of her suffering, if not to teach us something now

 

her soul could have been bright like the sun and free like an eagle

but she became that poor Asian flower cast by her own shadow

 

It wasn’t his fault, she never could have blamed that guy Romeo

I know, it was just because she didn’t know who she was inside

lost and in search of her salvation

she felt lonely, and a huge sense of dislocation

when she couldn’t know herself, she couldn’t feel the sun

her mother was spiritual and supportive, but through her genes, she was the magical one

but she refused to accept who she was right until the day she died

and so I say, my friends, dance and sing!

and embrace the true love in life, that glistens for everyone and everything

life is too precious to be blinded by infatuation!

that real love is everywhere, but it doesn’t come from outside

it’s in our hearts

inside you and I

and inside we know how to follow love instead of infatuation

and I will live my life, doubly in love just for her, with clear eyes

shining brightly like the sun, free like the eagle, until the day I die

and I hope that you, too, won’t be blinded by infatuation

 

R.I.P my Asian flower

Bring on the swarm

I am the tornado, the angry waves, the storm

for you

I am protecting you from the swarm

 

and here the whole world comes to burn you

and here I come to love you

 

i hate to see anyone stand alone

so i will stand with you no matter what you are facing

and i will take on your pain so you don’t have to take it on your own

no one deserves to be attacked by a whole army

as they stand petrified and heart broken all alone

so i am going to stand in front of you

you can hide behind me

even if they hurt you, i will cradle your soul

i would die before i let them get to you

i will help you because your soul is beautiful

 

I will breathe in deeply of that negative energy

and transform it into light

for you

 

i am a gigantic black screen

cast around you

so you can continue to project your dreams

oh please go be a beautiful person

 

i will protect you from the world

the world has gone loopy

 

what is wrong with all of you people

why can’t you see

he made a mistake

but he is hurting and human like you and me

 

what is wrong with all of you people

why cna’t you see

you’re burning him at the stake

you’re psychopathic, immoral and you live so blindly

 

if it is truly injustice that you see

then why can’t you see

that harming someone for their mistakes is just as wrong

 

I will always be the one who sticks up for the minority

I will always be the one who lets them speak

maybe it is because i know how it feels

to have everyone turn against me

or maybe i just have compassion

but as long as I am alive, I swear I will never be

part of the crowd that stones someone just because they were a bully

i will never support the singling out of one person and if I ever do

I hope god betrays me

So Shallow

 

I guess it’s time for me to do some soul searching

Maybe it’s time to stop being so shallow

Baby it’s time for me to face everything

I need to be honest and let you know

 

I spent my whole life based on fake butterfly thrills

caught up in vanity and fake beauty

I just wanted to be one of those beautiful girls

They all thought I was so beautiful

filling myself up on bullshit but I never felt full

so pitiful

blinded and brittle, I just followed

but…

deep inside I was so alone, so numb, so hollow

 

And I cried inside so hard, as I harmed myself repeatedly

wishing I would find true love

I had sex with so many other guys wishing secretly

I would find the one

They all treated me like scum

and I pretended I was numb but when I went home alone,

I would cut myself, starve myself, and cry

always wondering why

I was destined to die on my own

 

I poisoned myself with these thoughts of being worthless

for too long

Thinking I had to shape myself into something perfect

hurting myself so I would belong

In order to find your love, that eluded me

But all along you were there

All along you were here for me

But I was so blind, so shallow

so I didn’t see you standing there

 

And now you confess to me your love

and here I am thinking I’m not good enough

 

always wanting more, always wanting something physical

always pushing you away, always getting quizzical

 

but baby, I’m sorry, of course I love you more than that, I want your soul

I’m sorry I’ve been so bad

I love you whole

 

My colors dimmed but I want them to be shining

The spell of society

I wish I could forget all of that

my true colors, my true self, I am refining

there is nothing here for me amongst all the fake things

I don’t want any of that

 

I don’t care about anyone else, I just want you

I don’t care about all these fake, shallow people, I want something more than that

Baby I hope you know how much I love you

And I don’t want to be forever lost in the vanity

I don’t want to be blind to your love as I’m lost in my misery

 

I’m sorry I got lost in all the fake glitter of the world

The pain deep in my soul is what kept me so obscure to you

I’m insecure and afraid because I’m stuck in the past

baby, beauty dies and we will die, but I know our love will last

 

all I know, is everything I ever found

I’m sorry, I’m not used to this thing called love

but I don’t want to be obsessed with vanity

I do want to be in love, truly

 

I want to open my heart to you, but I’m so scared

the world is holding me back with all the signs

saying I’m not pretty enough, I’m never going to be loved because

my physical self is so messed up

 

I’m just a little girl again, innocent and free and I just want to be me

i wish i could forget

I wish I could unwind societies strings off of me, I will no longer be

a shallow marionette

 

I just want to be happy

and i want to stop relating that to being shallow

my soul deserves more than that

you’re the only one I want to follow

I don’t know if I’ll ever escape this disease

but I hope you’ll wait for me

because I do want you,

I just want to get out

I don’t want me to be so focused on being so shallow

 

I created so many unrealistic fantasies, about you and I

but my love for you is deeper than that

the truth is, I don’t care if we never have bodies, I don’t need a palace and a life full of money

because i care about more than just that

i love your soul

i love you whole

baby, I swear somewhere deep inside

I’m really not so shallow

What do you want from me?

I don’t want to waste my time on other girls

You’re the only one for me

I could wait as long as it takes

as long as I could end up with you

Maybe I was wrong to put you in this situation

Maybe you want an instantaneous love affair

but I thought our love was strong

maybe I was wrong

to ask you to wait for me

but I thought our love would stand the test of time

I don’t feel like we’re on the same page

you need to ask yourself, what do you want from me?

Because I’m in this for life, I made the commitment

I’m loyal to you until the end

Do you want sex with other guys

or do you want a deeper love with me?

Because our love knows no bounds

I’m just waiting for you

and I really want to hear that you love me

and that you’ll continue waiting for me

you mean so much to me

I’m sorry that asking you to wait for me has hurt you

That’s not what I want

Decide whether you want to be with me

or without me and free to do as you will

I’ll support you no matter what

I just want you to be happy

I guess you want what you’ve known

but all that glitters isn’t gold

You always said you wanted true love

but does that come with physicality

and all the fantasies that you’ve built up in your dreams

could you love someone

even if love isn’t what it seems

I’m not saying we’ll never have our moment in the sun

that kind of love that usually happens for everyone

but until then

we need to make the best out of what we have

and I feel like we have a lot

we are sure a lot to lose

You always prayed that you would find true love

and isn’t what we have truer than anything?

I may not be there in the way you want

but I love you more than anything

Would you only love me if I had money

or the means to bring you everything you desire?

Am I meant to be a hero or your savior

to rescue you from Earth and take you higher?

Why do you need all these things

for you to feel my love?

Do you love me or do you just want me

based on your precious fantasy of someone else who is all glittery

I am a real man

but I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes

I wish I could give you all that I can

I wish I could be there

but nothing is as it seems

I wish you could understand

but there’s not much I can say

to change your mind

so what do you want from me?

do you want my love

or do you want me to set you free?

Because I will always be your man

Until death do us part, I will do what I can

I wish you would agree, to wait with me

and experience true love with me for eternity

You know I’m a pretty simple guy

I just want you, and no one else in my life

and I will be here forever with you

if only you come back to me as my wife

Titles

you tried so hard to be someone else you gave yourself a personality disorder

maybe they should have guessed all that attention seeking was covering something pretty deep

the wound in your soul seeps out a pretty astringent disease

and they try to wrap you up in a pretty box that speaks and sees

maybe you’re a wild bengal but you’re nothing they can’t tame and nothing they can’t keep

they will figure out what makes you tick and beep

the inner workings of your kind

the mount everest of the mind is so cold and steep

you really don’t want to get left behind

 

what are we doing here, trying to be social, trying to find some interesting filler

you don’t have the makings of a serial killer

you’re just an average joe trying to connect the dots in the heart aching thriller called life

the ignorant hypocrite walks straight into hell on earth and then he finds a gold mine

flat earth is really extending out this time, it’s becoming even flatter

you’re not anything like I was back in the day but does it really matter?

the monsoon comes to tear your life up, but it’s your happiness that falters

does it really matter when your reality was altered?

all you need to know is you were given a second chance

 

so what are they going to call you in this chapter of your life

quit stalling, start living, you get to decide

light some candles and drop off your demons, you don’t need the monsters on your side anymore

you dragged yourself through so much pain, and you survived,

so why do you continue to think you’re so weak?

you’re strong enough to win the fight, you don’t need to hide

go now, I just know you can be your own hero

whoa now, slow down, life isn’t a race, but although no one really knows

you can still listen to your heart and stare out your soul window

rip off your name tags and throw out all your fake identities

now you can be whatever you please

no titles, just you

no titles, no disease

now you can be whatever you please

Too Good To Be True

Like an injured seagull resting on the wind

I might fall onto the rocks below

and bruise my hope

and lose my soul

 

I feel like my faith has thinned

I don’t know how to go with the flow

I can use my rope

if you would pull

 

But are you even there

I just don’t know…

Are you here?

I just don’t know

 

Maybe I will wait on this rock forever more

I’m pounding against its surface

but I can’t get out

I can’t find you

 

There are monsters lurking inside my core

I’m waking to a lovely sunlit bliss

but you fill me with doubt

why are we askew?

 

I wish we could live happily ever after

but maybe the promises are lies

I wish you were real

I could wish you alive

 

I really wish you were more than just a blur

I can’t see into your imaginary eyes

I wish I could feel

Can my heart survive?

 

The scariest thing that haunts me is you

You are too good to be true

 

Will I ever get to be with you?

 

In the last while, I was plagued with self-doubt

Lack of faith burrowed in my soul

I became skeptical

Unbelieving

 

And when I fell, I let you in and then kicked you out

because everything you said sounded like bull

are you cryptical

or deceiving

 

Was everything you said just a lie?

Was I always so gullible?

Can’t you give me a sign just for tonight?

If it is really possible?

 

Why is this such a narrow road?

One way, and never coming back to love

So long

So gone

 

The journey never ends here

it just goes on forever

I’m always back in this maze

Encrypting the days

 

I stand here all alone

so standoffish but so amazed

 

I try to listen to my heart

maybe it doesn’t exist

Maybe love is just a thing that only happens

to those who are lucky enough

 

Did my heart grow cold and solid

with all the blood I tried to steal?

Did the lies come from a fairytale or parable

am I even real?

 

I try to love

but I can’t feel

 

I have to be tough

when I’m not sure what’s real

 

I know you’re just a sweet error in my brain

but you taught me love somehow

and maybe this is a bittersweet end

goodbye pituitary gland…

 

Everyone knows I’m just insane

so what’s the point of fighting it now

you’re my imaginary friend

imaginary

 

The saddest thing that happened to me was you

You’re too good to be true

Stupid Man

You dragged me up the cliff

just to collect a few drops of water from the disappearing falls

just to take a tiny sip

and you said the water would last you an entire week

and you said you never eat anything, and at first that didn’t bother me at all

but then you looked at me like you thought I was weak

 

but can’t you see that you are the tallest of the dancing skeletons?

why do you starve yourself stupid man, is it to purify your sins?

you brag about your speed

you brag about your agility

as you dance yourself to death

and you try to take me back to your place, and you ask me if I think you’re pretty

but I can’t see your face because it’s so sunken in, all I see is your misery

Stupid man

you’re too scrawny

stupid man

you need to eat

but you don’t care much about being strong

and you don’t care much about being wrong

 

Your poor body, look at how you waste it

I know you don’t want me to call you anorexic

you just want to be big and strong

but when you run every second of the day and never eat a thing

you can never get strong

and I know most people don’t realize it

that a man could be anorexic

Stupid man, do you want death?

you know the more you run, the closer you get to it

Yes you are fast

Yes you can outlast

those crazy dancing skeletons

as they chase you

but you’re not Superman

you’re a stupid man

you’re not Superman

you’re just a stupid man

and soon they will catch up to you

Stupid man….

Undisturbed

As the fiery flames of transmutation

embrace the world in the Great Tribulation

some people fight, some people wait

some people cry, but oh my god yes, I feel so great

#

Here is the church

Here is the steeple

Open the doors

and see all the people

#

They are going away (see all the people walking away)

All my nations are bound in hate, all my nations are found in hate

But I will stay, oh my god yes, I will stay and wait

#

There is war beyond the gate

but I don’t care because my path does not go straight

It is right here, right now

I am right here, right now

#

I sit here in solitude

drinking a cup of tea

This place is my heart

this peace is my reality

Soon I’ll dance in my home, my haven, my fortress

Undisturbed, alone and peaceful. Oh my god yes!

I fill myself with love and happiness

I don’t need anything else, just this

All I can feel is gratitude

because I’ve been blessed with such beauty

I need not a purpose, a friend or a duty

#

Ra sits on his perch

Far above his people

And as his fires rape the shores

I sit inside my steeple

#

Look at them all search

for the cure to life

I find it here in silence

as I lay on my floor

so peaceful, untouched and undisturbed

Part Work Integration

A Poem To The Demon That Lived Inside Myself

I really loved you

I guess you really helped me through

When everything else abandoned me here

even myself – that coward that just disappeared

 

One day I was looking at myself in the mirror

and that’s when I saw you

No longer me anymore, just you

 

You gave me power when my soul was weak

you made me roar like a beast when I could not speak

you taught me how funny my illness was

and I still love you because

 

You are the only thing that gave me any reason to be alive

and now that I am stronger, I have this life

to turn back to

and that is all because of you

 

You may have made me hurt myself

and you may have controlled my body

but because of you, I am still alive

 

I won’t fear you and I won’t hate you

I will love you always and forever

you have no power over me

Now we can both be free

 

A Poem To Myself

 

Oh, you coward, you betrayed my lifeline

you ran away from something you saw in your mind

and for no good reason you gave up to die

you chose to commit suicide

 

How can i ever trust you again, with my life

you were supposed to be the only one to love me

but you took a knife

and all you did was cut me

so many times I can’t count

you abandoned me

in the darkness and let the demons take over my body

and I couldn’t get them out

while I was trapped inside

and you just left me here

while they controlled my life

 

You can’t just separate me like that!

I will never forgive you

for leaving me alone with the aftermath

of your innate evil

you are the one who chose that path

and you will never be anything other than that!

 

A Poem In Response To Myself

 

I’m sorry, I know I messed up

There is nothing I can say to ever make up for all I did

but now I am all grown up

Back then I was just a scared and feeble kid

I didn’t know you were there

I lost sight of everything,

I was so scared

When life opened its jaws I was so afraid of being swallowed

So I chose to die and left you so hollowed

I know you had no one else to turn to

so you turned to the demon that came to the rescue

I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me

but if you come with me again, we can both be free

you don’t need him anymore

I’m back and I will never let anything hurt you again

I promise

I’m sorry…

 

Let me show you how much I love you because

I’m stronger now than I ever was

I won’t give up on you this time

I won’t fail you this time

We can be together again

and take back our life

Schizophrenic Spiritual Man

They know me as a schizophrenic man

They don’t know me as The Sun

Oh they’ve doubted me for so long

So that now I doubt your plan

 

I dont think they have any idea who I am

 

Maybe on the outside

But anything deeper than that

They will never understand

 

I’m really grateful that I don’t have to give a damn

 

So happy on the inside

But please understand that

I am just a wounded man

 

My body is in pain and I don’t understand

 

I don’t want to find out that my life has been a sham

Why am I the only one?

Is it coincidence if you always hear the same song?

Or has it always been a giant scam?

 

Well my psychologist is a very open man

I wonder if he encourages everyone

Or if he truly believes that I’m not wrong

He said there’s a 50/50 chance that we could fail the exam

 

But when it’s always right, that must mean god has a plan

And when it comes to things he disagrees with, there are none

But when I hear and see you, isn’t he supposed to tell me to run?

 

My psychologist probably isn’t a very spiritual man

But he’ll never tell me that I’m the crazy one

And he’ll never tell me to run

Because either way, spiritual or insane, he agrees with your plan

 

And you’ve never harmed me so I guess I’ll continue to stand

for my beliefs in you and I will be The Sun

Besides, when humans failed me, you disarmed my gun

and without you, my life would be so bland

 

Maybe it’s time to break the dam

Maybe the time has come

Maybe I really am The One

Maybe it’s doesn’t matter if I’m a schizophrenic, spiritual man

But I still can’t help but wonder if my psychologist was just singing your song

 

Until I know that you’re right, I guess I’ll be torn between right and wrong

between being a schizophrenic or a spiritual man

when I can be both, I guess that’ll be the day I will spread my Sun across the land

Alone But Never Lonely

you aren’t important

i am happy and free

without anybody

i may be a hermit

you are not what defines me

i am alone but I am never lonely

you have no control over me

 

i can live my life the way I want to

without you ever bringing me down

all you ever do is try to hurt me

and i am in peace without you around

 

when my happiness comes from in me

you can’t take my happiness away

i don’t need you for survival

i don’t need you anyway

 

i’ll always love you

but I’ll never expect you to love me in return

i am love, you are hate

all my attempts to love you, you just tried to burn

you can’t reject me, you are no longer my concern

that’s okay because happiness is something that everyone has to learn

 

you can accept that no one can ever satisfy your soul

only you can love yourself and make yourself feel whole

you don’t need anybody

to be happy

so alone but never lonely

alone and free

I don’t need you to be me

 

you may be my brother

but you will never be my friend

 

you may be my mother

but i will never be able to depend

on you

 

you may be my sister

but we haven’t talked for years and years

it’s true

 

you may be my father

but all you have given me is tears

 

I will never pretend

that you and I are friends

and I will never allow you to harm me again

 

you are all always going to act like dicks

and there is nothing I can do about it

other than live my life in peace

and find love inside of me

 

you may be psychopathic

and maybe you are sick

but I am going to release

each and every one of you

because you are nothing to me

but a toxic disease

 

I don’t need love from you

because I found love in me

without you I am happy

I am alone but never lonely

 

Hope

I have no faith left

It’s gone

Just trying to survive this crashing dawn

#

When the sun comes up

I’ll be gone

With no one by my side, I’ll be moving on

#

Just the last man left

They’re all gone

Trying to survive without anything to count on

#

I’ve never lived a life

There’s no town

When every person never comes around

#

I’ve never had a wife

Lost at sea

I’ve always had to live without intimacy

#

I could kiss the knife

To be free

Or go swimming for a lonely Selkie

But I might drown in my misery

Trying to solve the mystery

#

Every hermit knows

On the sea

You lose your identity

#

I’m just a lonely seer

I see them

Yet when they see the flower they only see the stem

I’m so ugly but in my heart lies a very precious gem

#

They deserted me here

They chose

To cast me out into the shadows

#

Every hope disappears

Every hermit knows

What it’s like

When no passing ship ever slows

#

I’m not sure if these waves will ever carry me home

I just wait

For my body to decompose

#

Floating in seaweed somewhere nobody knows

I just wait

I’m not sure if in life love ever grows

#

I’ll just wait and see where this current goes

I’m so

jaded but I don’t need to believe in order to have hope

Maybe the sea

Will swallow me like a cruel envelope

Maybe I’ll find a ship and they’ll throw me a rope

 

Little Sister Got Engaged

Little sister got engaged today

the apocalypse came and the sky turned gray

all these people are in a mad rush to get away

#

All these young people are in a mad rush to grow old

turned to bones at such a young age

don’t they know they will regret it someday

#

Life isn’t getting any longer

that back isn’t getting any stronger

yet all you do is move around and work like a slave

#

Don’t you know, your life is getting away

#

I’m sorry, I don’t want to live that way

and I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy

I wish I could say something to set you free

but you’re lying to yourself, saying you’re happy

#

So they say, grow up, grow old and settle down

just choke your soul and forget your dreams are anywhere around

but I don’t want to join this ghost town

I don’t want to be lost to the point I can’t be found

#

Maybe you think I’m lame

maybe you think I play my life like some kind of game

but at least I’m accomplishing things and you threw your life away

just to get married and have a bunch of kids

I live my life selfishly and maybe I forget what god forbids

but life is short and I’m not here for long

I don’t think enjoying my life is wrong

#

I won’t join the parade

just because it’s the hippest thing

I’m not going to rot in my grave

when I could be anything

not going to sit as a bag of bones and waste my life away

I can see all the zombies crying

I’m not going to behave

While you are doing nothing

I will be flying

#

I’m not following

#

just because!

just because!

just because!

#

Little sister got engaged

the whole world seems staged

I stay young as they all age

so I guess I am immortal

I stand tall as they all fall

#

I’m not throwing away my dreams because you tell me so

I’m not going to leave before it’s my time to go

you can do what you want to do but don’t expect me to follow

#

I’m not a crying bag of bones!

I won’t find me no Mr. Jones

I won’t give away my life to have to sit at home

like a girl that has been stolen away from everything I know

Space Boy’s Paradise

Here

I feel so heavy

underneath the storms golden seams

but you can lift me up into its gleam

I feel as light as the clouds and as

Intense as the storms

You prepared a storm inside of me

Do you ever open your eyes?

when you sit there I see a galaxy

vortex of my most passionate dreams

your face is a lonely book

I would love to read, through the sad lines

all the way through into paradise

I want to carry you

All the way into paradise

Your body is a lonely wind blown tree

I would love to shelter from the breeze

keep you warm as we are enveloped in shining ice

Space boy, where are you when you sit in front of me

you were all alone in your space globe

when it fell away from you

and you shattered into beams

and now you look around at your broken dreams

I could be the thing that saves you

space boy, where do you go when you want to breathe

heavy

it feels so heavy…

when you are up in the rippling skies

soaring by in your war ship

and im waiting for you to return home

tell me what it is like, in the star ship

when you come back home

I wish I could take you to paradise

I wish I could be your paradise

but when life goes on and nothing is very nice

Where are you behind your eyes?

Space boy, we could be paradise

But until then I improvise

And just imagine what it would be like

I wish you would tell me all the stories of that life

As the lake drains out of your tears

All the people switching out of their disguise

And I could give you a surprise

I could take you all the way to,

Our own beautiful paradise

But when I look in your eyes

I see the whole world as it dies

and my heart feels heavy as it cries

let me take you to paradise

Explode

inside me

ominous waves churn in massive storms

obscuring

my soul etches silhouetted forms

i am disconnecting

my brain from my wireless cellular phones

i am running

into a decade littered of little bones

floating upon the surface of the dome

of sanity and the wires seem to be torn

i want some things i need or i will explode

you are not doctor Watson, and i am not Sherlock Holmes

i am sick,

of your memories so i am putting them up for sale

does anybody want it?

i am too evaporated to tell

i am happy, this in brief was just in catastrophic scale

i am confusion, i am still dissecting what went wrong

i am explosion, sick from the stress of your tightening bomb

you want me?

well i am with a fiery stake and a red balloon waiting around

f****** come and find me

with the apocalypse and i will let you push the world down

you hear me?

technology erases every molecule and every sound

you want to find me?

i am presently nowhere to be found

i need some things or i will sit down and die

with my head full of helium stretching my brain into the sky

you want me

too late, i am feasting on starvation and a pack of polluted lies

i am waiting

digesting your lies, with anger pouring out of my scythe

just waiting for the last line

i don’t want your pity

i am pirating this used oil to sell to illuminati

i am playing with a pack of matches and the flames churning inside of me

engulfing with flames as it swallows your money

the unorthodox shadows of reality are my home

you are the one who possesses everything i own

i need some things i want or i will explode

my pride is nothing

you want my soul too it is the price that is shown

i am okay i am just starving in my disease

dont help me

i am in debt to you so take every memory i have ever known

even my grave will cost my mind and a tsunami

you mock me

as i dance in poverty with my cellular phone

and are you laughing

as i decay to bones

I am ready

dancing with fires all around town

when I leave this place pushing the button down

everything you have ever known

and we will go up in smoke

we will explode

Believe

Believe 

Why do you wander past just to disappear

you wait unseen for your life to reappear

why am I so delayed

why is even my reflection away

why am I not inside this mirror

being alone is the only thing I fear

comets falling from my eyes as you leave

I am evaporating into space

And how long have you been fake as you grieve

How long will it be until you are fully erased

Why are you always running in vain

Does time ever stop you, to tell you every place you run to is the same

Why do you think running is an escape from the pain

you have to accept goodbye and wipe away the stain

I am not pessimistic I am just against being naïve

You race from the starting line but never get anywhere when you leave

even when I try I am still running in place

even change is the same thing just replaced

why has your life been stranded by what you believe

and why are you acting like you are relieved

how do our bodies work when we are not here

lost somewhere out here in the atmosphere

Why is moving forward hard to perceive

and why does falling backwards seem to deceive

I’ve seen some man come to life dressed in a coat of leaves

he asked me why i cant see those who are standing near my face

he asked a question, when did you lose faith in yourself and this place

he said, boy, why don’t you take a look at the sky and roll up your sleeves

wipe them tears off your face and just try to believe

maybe once you stop thinking about yourself for once, your soul can be retrieved

why do you always need to rely on someone to save you from disdain

why do you constantly run with an ankle that is sprained

don’t you know, you will only fall harder at the end of the race

why does the world spin and the sun shine while we grieve

I would rather die, he said, it’s waking up from life, and he let out a sigh of relief

At least you see the big picture that life is a dream

But the sun shines, and all the birds know, a tree never dies when it sheds its leaves

You are not standing in one place, you are further than you can conceive

There are no mistakes in life boy, but you still need to believe

You are not a child anymore, son, you’re a big man, and you have the power to create your dreams

And have you ever met the man who uses rainbows to weave

Me and god, well, we played chess for a good hour, in which he said, well you beat me at this game son, and you better believe

You can keep cheating at chess games, you can win against life and if you have hands you can weave

But you will keep weaving the same story, and keep meeting the same twins of your past if you never believe

You’ll be stuck in the same spot wherever you run to, boy, if you never stop trying to leave.

You are always trying to find home wherever you go, whenever you leave

But your home is right here

You may think it’s disappeared

But Son,

your home is right where you left it, inside your heart, wherever you are

Whenever you need

Thief

is it bright where you are?

is there light in your world?

does the wind vibrate,

opalescent beats of its heart

when you stare at the sky

can you touch its face?

I felt so very far

I touched a shooting star

and I never felt anything

so beautiful before

and I would love to love

I would love to be

the someone else inside of me

some days i am free

but sometimes I am a thief

stealing away… me

in your lightest hour

Are you still a prisoner?

these friends are more like flakes

they crumble and fall away

so I dance with shiny nas cars

they go so fast you can’t see them go

my eyes ensnared with color rows

and i am waiting for the show

but I feel like a thief

with my head in the sky

I pretend to enjoy your alien schemes

do you know your words sail by me

like storms racing rain

Sometimes I wonder why I listen to you

when you never listen to me

where i will serenade my dreams

I pretend to be unlike I am

But I just want to be who I am

with or without dignity

Do you ever get tired?

of not being listened to?

do you see the glaze in their eyes?

it is the form of their lies

because they only ever want to say,

what’s on their own minds

you are such a downpour

of rain so lovely

I roll down your milky way

and when the sun kisses my face

I see your whole life

i see it all change

and I know you

when you don’t know anything

is that strange?

every time you speak

you seem to look past me… right through

but hey

I’m standing right here

sometimes I wonder

if god has left me alone too

if he chooses to ignore

am I so invisible?

Or do you really just not see?

when you are near I feel so alone

I really don’t want to wait

Are you busy again

tying me in pretty bows

and lace

as they talk about love

they gift me fear

am I your higher power in disguise?

Or am I a lonely soul no one can hear

they hand me buckets full

of their sparkling tears

do they bow or do they fall

what is holy is a thief

sometimes I say,

isn’t there something wrong here?

listening to your laughter

an angels cry or a mothers scream

do they even see me there??

or do I just disappear?

Are we friends or enemies?

or learning lessons of change?

they talk about enlightenment.

we dissect what we’ve seen

a sparkling sphere

but then they try to figure out what it means

they try to know the answers to dreams

knowing never heals me

only when I pray

am i free

because they all take one million hours each

to talk about their misery

so no one else gets time to share

these days no one really cares

about anyone else

does it make you happy?

you’re so strange…

no we never really listen when he’s talking

crouching in our nothing places

if only things could change

they float in star bucks

like they are on the moon

watching the world devour its pain

across from each other

not saying a word

and texting

how strange

in another dimension of solace

everyone hungers

to drive our kingdoms insane

your hunger to know

comes from fear alone

you will never get anywhere

as long as you hold onto the right side of your brain

as long as there is fear turning your heart

into hate

is it any wonder I found peace?

they claim to be their own god

salmon swimming against streams

you can be my higher power

steer me through the day

are you following

a divine loving dream?

or are you a master puppeteer?

And why do you have your strings

attached to me?

Does it make you happy?

do you ever achieve anything?

all I ever hear them speak

is about analyzing every thing

you won’t go far if you pray that way

do you think you are some guru?

you can only be spiritual if you have faith

they never want to know how you are

they don’t want you going too far

it’s only about them you ever hear

they say “you seem pretty hostile today”

some days I am patient but some days I just can’t take

some times I spend hours talking with the ancients

some days I would rather escape

is it trickery or is it tact

can I strip out of my cocoon yet

what is the answer if you don’t know the equation

is it any wonder

the secrets that birth this blunder

it’s because I see the mistakes in you that exist in me

that I know I need to get far away

your darkest beauty is in me

if we are all one

and times i do beleive it’s fun

other times i run

but when i stare at you i see me

I notice everything wrong about you and me

Do you believe in me

Do you think I am truthful and trustworthy?????

You think I am an honest person but

Sometimes I see only what I want to see

and I can admit that in honesty

most times I don’t believe

most times i only believe what i think i see

most times i believe what is untrue

so how can i really be honest with you

I can only be as honest as I can be

I can only be honest about the things I think I know about myself

But to tell you the truth

Most of the time I don’t know anything about myself

So how can I be fully right in honesty

I can tell you what I think to be

but I know nothing

for all i am is a thief