Who am I if not for

Who am I if not for what I love

if not for my interests and hobbies

if not for what they think I am

 

without anything to define me

who am I without you

who am I if not for my talents

who am I without the people who love me

if not for my aspirations

 

who am I

without the past that brought me here

who am I, without my happiness and without my tears

who am I, without all the years

without my body and without my fears

without anything to define me

 

are they ever going to call me an artist

after I’ve left this place and joined the crowds in heaven

 

compliments come and go

and next year you’ll be gone, and your fans will be gone too

and you will lose it all

if you rely on the stage to hold you over the killing crowds

 

always trying to find another way to perfection

just to find a little bit of recognition in the outside world

just because you never recognized your soul

 

now i look deep within

and realize I never really knew myself

who am I and am I even here? beneath the charades and all the bullshit that enclosed my soul all these years

 

i don’t want to join the crowd now, I would rather disappear

yet i still feel unfamiliar

with my own shadow

 

who am I?

stripped down to the core

 

Because I don’t know…
So I ask myself…

 

Who are you?

If not for what you love

if not for your interests and hobbies

 

And when I look at you

I clearly see your soul

 

Why do I love you so much?

 

You’re not an artist

you’ve never been on the news for being a hero

you’re not societies ideal of beautiful

yet in my eyes

you are everything that is meaningful

and I love you so much that words can’t describe it

my love for you goes beyond everything that you do

 

because you’ve never run a marathon

and you’ve never donated money to the church

You have no hobbies or interests that define you

you aren’t creative and you have no skills

you never work and you never succeed in society

you never take care of me and I’ve never asked you to

 

but when you look up at me, I can see how much you adore me

and our connection goes so deep

and you love me unconditionally too

 

so what do I love about you – I love your soul and I love your personality

if I was blind and looking at anyone else, I would be able to sense and feel that it wasn’t you

 

so who am I

if not for what I love, for my dreams, and my abilities

I am my soul

and I haven’t been very united with it

it’s very unfamiliar to me

but when you look at me

I can tell you are familiar with my soul

just like I am familiar with yours

These People

the other day I went to join a new game

and all the nameless people there beat me down and kicked me out

just an outcast shivering in my shame

they just stood there and watched me cry

they told me I had to take the blame

they took my soul, and just kept beating, then dug the hole, pushed me in

and watched me die

i don’t know what these people see in me that makes them think I’m so lame

but all they care about is

making sure I never win this game

 

sometimes i wish for recognition, sometimes i wish for fame

every chance I take, life beats me back down to the floor

sometimes I wish I was a different person, sometimes I wish I had a different name

sometimes I wish for something more

 

and I could never hurt them back because I’m too tame

I don’t know why I am the one who is always wrong

and I never see evidence of karma, it’s about time it came

and taught all these crazy people how to get along

 

if you want me to be confident then you’ve got to stop fucking with my mind

if you want me to be happy then you’ve got to stop fucking with my life

 

oh I try so hard to be confident, and sometimes I start to feel a trace

of it somehow

but then I hear nothing but insults and all my confidence is erased

everyone hates me now

sometimes i wonder if it’s because of my ugly face

or if it’s because I’m fat like a cow

why else would I be such a disgrace

and why should all of this hatred be allowed

and all the careless people never intervene

everywhere I go, people are mean

 

i have no one on my side

every single person

always hating me, no matter how hard I’ve tried

and as my feelings worsen

i wonder if they would ever be regretful if I died

 

but of course they wouldn’t care

i try so hard to keep my head above the water, but all they ever do is push it back under

but of course life isn’t fair

 

and after all the abuse I am still here

after all the beatings

after all the tears

although my soul is bleeding

i wonder if my life is trying to teach me how to resist fear

of all the thoughts these stupid people are thinking of me

and resilience so I can rise above their heartless sneers

how to just stop giving a fuck about their meaningless opinions about me

how to let go of all the pain that hangs near

how to just be me

without letting all these people

dictate my fucking life

hate my fucking soul

and chase me from my dreams and goals

 

i can’t let these people drive me to the edge of life

so I’ve got to try to find a way to hold on until everything is alright

i can be me without their approval, i don’t need the knife

because it’s my own soul I have to fight

 

why do I care so much what these people think?

when all they ever do is hurt my heart

i don’t want to spend my life feeling so out of sync

with who I am, and who they are

these people aren’t worthy of my pain

i don’t think their hatred is personal

obsessed with technology and gore

they’re just delusional

they have no souls, all they care about is war

these people aren’t my people

anymore

Titles

you tried so hard to be someone else you gave yourself a personality disorder

maybe they should have guessed all that attention seeking was covering something pretty deep

the wound in your soul seeps out a pretty astringent disease

and they try to wrap you up in a pretty box that speaks and sees

maybe you’re a wild bengal but you’re nothing they can’t tame and nothing they can’t keep

they will figure out what makes you tick and beep

the inner workings of your kind

the mount everest of the mind is so cold and steep

you really don’t want to get left behind

 

what are we doing here, trying to be social, trying to find some interesting filler

you don’t have the makings of a serial killer

you’re just an average joe trying to connect the dots in the heart aching thriller called life

the ignorant hypocrite walks straight into hell on earth and then he finds a gold mine

flat earth is really extending out this time, it’s becoming even flatter

you’re not anything like I was back in the day but does it really matter?

the monsoon comes to tear your life up, but it’s your happiness that falters

does it really matter when your reality was altered?

all you need to know is you were given a second chance

 

so what are they going to call you in this chapter of your life

quit stalling, start living, you get to decide

light some candles and drop off your demons, you don’t need the monsters on your side anymore

you dragged yourself through so much pain, and you survived,

so why do you continue to think you’re so weak?

you’re strong enough to win the fight, you don’t need to hide

go now, I just know you can be your own hero

whoa now, slow down, life isn’t a race, but although no one really knows

you can still listen to your heart and stare out your soul window

rip off your name tags and throw out all your fake identities

now you can be whatever you please

no titles, just you

no titles, no disease

now you can be whatever you please

Our Majesty

Another long painted stare, a look of awe, you are so rare

your beauty raw, it splits and tears, as you wear your travesty

worshipping eyes to prove we care, for Our Majesty

and the hunger coursing through your veins, awakes your slumber

to a mean mystery

you are Cleopatra, Aphrodite, and King Ramses,

eating sawdust together

starving from simplicity

another error message brought from a terrorist somewhere in your brain

means the urge is going to reveal its shame, then purge you into an absentee

we know you would love to tear open this flesh of tapestry

when I say love it means you don’t mean a thing, and clean means dirty

another truffle filled with sweet liquor

she’s the grim reaper with her trigger finger

held down on tragedy

the tricky demons tricks are getting deeper

another sticky little one sticks on like a licking fever

and your sickness is getting bigger

singing your sick melody

you say I need to learn patience, since the dark ages, but this suspense is still not fulfilling me

I SEE with sick eyes, the world in its disguise, has a hue of thick rust

I speak with sick poisoned tongue, and that which I use my wrong

only devours my body to a crust

I move with sick need, and the fuel I run my seed

only means I am addicted to my lust

My sick enemy, is the only one I see,

the only demon I’ve given my duty and trust

The sickness that I feed

Is like a parasite that needs

leaving me empty only wanting more

The demon that I free

only makes me rape myself deep into my core

You say I have beauty

But it means nothing

when it’s wasted on these sores

The Pursuit Of Nothingness

On the quest for happiness

I used to cling to dreams

They were gold and fun and right

No matter how much the captive screams

I am always going to fight

#

The dreams are always running out of sight

#

Betrayed by everything that seemed to be true

Just a mirage that manipulated my view

There is no point in wanting

There is no point in dreaming

It will never be enough for you

Even after you succeed

You’ll find there’s nothing left but wanting

You’ll always need

more to prevent the haunting

Always wanting, always needing, always dying just to have something to do

Until the day you realize there is really nothing left to do

Even after you succeed

You’ll find there’s nothing left but want

You’ll never bleed

enough to fulfill that desire

that big empty void that’s designed to push you into the fire

Smoke clouds are billowing

Blinded as you try to find a purpose in everything

But you know it’s nothing

You found a purpose a million times

but it was never what you truly sought

So you traveled to places no one has ever been

and experienced so much you forgot

What’s the point, you forgot everything that was taught

Because you’ll never find happiness in a mind that has any thought

You struggled so long to seek happiness in goals and gold

Until you realized

the only happiness you’ll ever feel comes from inside

When the cities are cold and my body grows old

I’ll be happy as a smart old man

Just sitting and enjoying the nothingness as it rains all over the land

Wanting nothing from something and wanting something from nothing

is a trivial pursuit of man

-Sabrina Geiger

Space Boy’s Paradise

Here

I feel so heavy

underneath the storms golden seams

but you can lift me up into its gleam

I feel as light as the clouds and as

Intense as the storms

You prepared a storm inside of me

Do you ever open your eyes?

when you sit there I see a galaxy

vortex of my most passionate dreams

your face is a lonely book

I would love to read, through the sad lines

all the way through into paradise

I want to carry you

All the way into paradise

Your body is a lonely wind blown tree

I would love to shelter from the breeze

keep you warm as we are enveloped in shining ice

Space boy, where are you when you sit in front of me

you were all alone in your space globe

when it fell away from you

and you shattered into beams

and now you look around at your broken dreams

I could be the thing that saves you

space boy, where do you go when you want to breathe

heavy

it feels so heavy…

when you are up in the rippling skies

soaring by in your war ship

and im waiting for you to return home

tell me what it is like, in the star ship

when you come back home

I wish I could take you to paradise

I wish I could be your paradise

but when life goes on and nothing is very nice

Where are you behind your eyes?

Space boy, we could be paradise

But until then I improvise

And just imagine what it would be like

I wish you would tell me all the stories of that life

As the lake drains out of your tears

All the people switching out of their disguise

And I could give you a surprise

I could take you all the way to,

Our own beautiful paradise

But when I look in your eyes

I see the whole world as it dies

and my heart feels heavy as it cries

let me take you to paradise

Believe

Believe 

Why do you wander past just to disappear

you wait unseen for your life to reappear

why am I so delayed

why is even my reflection away

why am I not inside this mirror

being alone is the only thing I fear

comets falling from my eyes as you leave

I am evaporating into space

And how long have you been fake as you grieve

How long will it be until you are fully erased

Why are you always running in vain

Does time ever stop you, to tell you every place you run to is the same

Why do you think running is an escape from the pain

you have to accept goodbye and wipe away the stain

I am not pessimistic I am just against being naïve

You race from the starting line but never get anywhere when you leave

even when I try I am still running in place

even change is the same thing just replaced

why has your life been stranded by what you believe

and why are you acting like you are relieved

how do our bodies work when we are not here

lost somewhere out here in the atmosphere

Why is moving forward hard to perceive

and why does falling backwards seem to deceive

I’ve seen some man come to life dressed in a coat of leaves

he asked me why i cant see those who are standing near my face

he asked a question, when did you lose faith in yourself and this place

he said, boy, why don’t you take a look at the sky and roll up your sleeves

wipe them tears off your face and just try to believe

maybe once you stop thinking about yourself for once, your soul can be retrieved

why do you always need to rely on someone to save you from disdain

why do you constantly run with an ankle that is sprained

don’t you know, you will only fall harder at the end of the race

why does the world spin and the sun shine while we grieve

I would rather die, he said, it’s waking up from life, and he let out a sigh of relief

At least you see the big picture that life is a dream

But the sun shines, and all the birds know, a tree never dies when it sheds its leaves

You are not standing in one place, you are further than you can conceive

There are no mistakes in life boy, but you still need to believe

You are not a child anymore, son, you’re a big man, and you have the power to create your dreams

And have you ever met the man who uses rainbows to weave

Me and god, well, we played chess for a good hour, in which he said, well you beat me at this game son, and you better believe

You can keep cheating at chess games, you can win against life and if you have hands you can weave

But you will keep weaving the same story, and keep meeting the same twins of your past if you never believe

You’ll be stuck in the same spot wherever you run to, boy, if you never stop trying to leave.

You are always trying to find home wherever you go, whenever you leave

But your home is right here

You may think it’s disappeared

But Son,

your home is right where you left it, inside your heart, wherever you are

Whenever you need

Thief

is it bright where you are?

is there light in your world?

does the wind vibrate,

opalescent beats of its heart

when you stare at the sky

can you touch its face?

I felt so very far

I touched a shooting star

and I never felt anything

so beautiful before

and I would love to love

I would love to be

the someone else inside of me

some days i am free

but sometimes I am a thief

stealing away… me

in your lightest hour

Are you still a prisoner?

these friends are more like flakes

they crumble and fall away

so I dance with shiny nas cars

they go so fast you can’t see them go

my eyes ensnared with color rows

and i am waiting for the show

but I feel like a thief

with my head in the sky

I pretend to enjoy your alien schemes

do you know your words sail by me

like storms racing rain

Sometimes I wonder why I listen to you

when you never listen to me

where i will serenade my dreams

I pretend to be unlike I am

But I just want to be who I am

with or without dignity

Do you ever get tired?

of not being listened to?

do you see the glaze in their eyes?

it is the form of their lies

because they only ever want to say,

what’s on their own minds

you are such a downpour

of rain so lovely

I roll down your milky way

and when the sun kisses my face

I see your whole life

i see it all change

and I know you

when you don’t know anything

is that strange?

every time you speak

you seem to look past me… right through

but hey

I’m standing right here

sometimes I wonder

if god has left me alone too

if he chooses to ignore

am I so invisible?

Or do you really just not see?

when you are near I feel so alone

I really don’t want to wait

Are you busy again

tying me in pretty bows

and lace

as they talk about love

they gift me fear

am I your higher power in disguise?

Or am I a lonely soul no one can hear

they hand me buckets full

of their sparkling tears

do they bow or do they fall

what is holy is a thief

sometimes I say,

isn’t there something wrong here?

listening to your laughter

an angels cry or a mothers scream

do they even see me there??

or do I just disappear?

Are we friends or enemies?

or learning lessons of change?

they talk about enlightenment.

we dissect what we’ve seen

a sparkling sphere

but then they try to figure out what it means

they try to know the answers to dreams

knowing never heals me

only when I pray

am i free

because they all take one million hours each

to talk about their misery

so no one else gets time to share

these days no one really cares

about anyone else

does it make you happy?

you’re so strange…

no we never really listen when he’s talking

crouching in our nothing places

if only things could change

they float in star bucks

like they are on the moon

watching the world devour its pain

across from each other

not saying a word

and texting

how strange

in another dimension of solace

everyone hungers

to drive our kingdoms insane

your hunger to know

comes from fear alone

you will never get anywhere

as long as you hold onto the right side of your brain

as long as there is fear turning your heart

into hate

is it any wonder I found peace?

they claim to be their own god

salmon swimming against streams

you can be my higher power

steer me through the day

are you following

a divine loving dream?

or are you a master puppeteer?

And why do you have your strings

attached to me?

Does it make you happy?

do you ever achieve anything?

all I ever hear them speak

is about analyzing every thing

you won’t go far if you pray that way

do you think you are some guru?

you can only be spiritual if you have faith

they never want to know how you are

they don’t want you going too far

it’s only about them you ever hear

they say “you seem pretty hostile today”

some days I am patient but some days I just can’t take

some times I spend hours talking with the ancients

some days I would rather escape

is it trickery or is it tact

can I strip out of my cocoon yet

what is the answer if you don’t know the equation

is it any wonder

the secrets that birth this blunder

it’s because I see the mistakes in you that exist in me

that I know I need to get far away

your darkest beauty is in me

if we are all one

and times i do beleive it’s fun

other times i run

but when i stare at you i see me

I notice everything wrong about you and me

Do you believe in me

Do you think I am truthful and trustworthy?????

You think I am an honest person but

Sometimes I see only what I want to see

and I can admit that in honesty

most times I don’t believe

most times i only believe what i think i see

most times i believe what is untrue

so how can i really be honest with you

I can only be as honest as I can be

I can only be honest about the things I think I know about myself

But to tell you the truth

Most of the time I don’t know anything about myself

So how can I be fully right in honesty

I can tell you what I think to be

but I know nothing

for all i am is a thief

Emphemeral Truth

As the world rots we are left shredded for stew

In all the things I dreaded

Death is building towers with glue

to collapse on you

As buildings cracked your lies silhouetted the view

I wish I could forget it

to suffer to sparkle anew

wish you could see through

they only want to kill you

Indoctrination

The apocalypse was not my intention to do

Neither were you

wound me again AND I WILL FORGET THE TRUTH

someone betrays secrets

do you know who?

It seems you’ve forgotten the ephemeral truth

In all the things created

indenting a deity on your view

nothing will save you

death dances with licking flames until he continues

on lashing his advances

and as the world dances

it is quaking its deception of filth to remove all of you

where do you fall when you have nothing to grip onto

when even gravity betrays you

in sordid glances you realize you must have prayed too soon

abandoned frozen martyr

your end is long overdue

I wish it would subdue

But without disaster I cannot move

Everywhere I look the concrete turns its saliva maroon

do you see littered bleeding angels

or are those bodies just a reflection of you

the buildings are trembling

to make love to you

It seems you’ve forgotten the ephemeral truth

In all the things debated

You see no faces of the spectrum

But you see the sea’s whiplashing monsoon

The lie you were living

It is you

brainwashing your existence

sucking you in was something I never wanted to

in the distance what you reach to

is entirely untrue

there are thousands stomping down the moon

but down here

there are only a few

Maybe

I could be amazing somewhere

Amazing

There could be something else out there

Waiting

In a parallel universe

Blazing

Like coins falling out of a purse

#

Maybe

I am more than this shell

Maybe

I’ve lost more than I can tell

Maybe

We can find the way out of this hell

Or Maybe

I will never get well

#

If you lose the remote you better beware

You will never be able to escape the glare

You can never reverse

Your tiny world crashes into the universe

You may disperse

#

I am like grey matter

Static on cable TV

Consumed in a tunnel

And maybe

All I ever wanted was to be

#

Is just to be, really, really unnecessary?

Am I tiny and insignificant?

Compared to the world, it is a giant

And I am nothing but defiant

A tiny forsaken client

So forgettable…

All of my life

So regrettable

#

Eating my tail like the Ouroboros

Shedding my petals like a wilted rose

We have to save the world so what do you propose?

I suppose we could falter but no one knows

#

My heart has grown over with moss

From the tragedy of loss

The world is breaking and we could never run across

We lied to the Boss

Building my jail like the Celtic cross

#

Resurrecting Horus

Hush now sinners, you can’t tell on us

#

Maybe

We are special and we can prevail

Maybe

We are unique and we can find the Holy Grail

Maybe

We can catch the thief who stole the world and we can unveil

Or Maybe

We will never escape this jail

Maybe….

#
Maybe I’m amazing somewhere else

Unsure

All I know is what they all say

and how weird it all is

and I like to keep a healthy dose of skeptic in me

that way I am never led astray

#

I don’t see anything around me all day

I am so oblivious

it feels like someone is changing my reality

right in front of me, playing a game

#

Always internally thinking

and my mind starts to fray

always eternally sinking

how do I find another way?

#

And here comes the men in alien costumes

they have been rearranging my furniture

sneaking in and out of my house

in mid day right in front of my face they stir

Oh yes sir, I see invisible aliens

or are they really from the stars

Why are they so obscure?

I don’t know if they want me to stay

I don’t know if they have time to play

I don’t know anything at all

I am so unsure!

#

Should I follow you halfway

should I look around me for an escape

should I follow you all the way?

#

Is my life on display in the museum of delay

I just can’t convey

what is on my mind because i don’t know anything today

#

I asked him why he lies about things I really love

and why my life is his

apparently I just never heard him properly

but when it comes to destiny, I never made it up

#

He says: I love you so don’t leave me

and his next words sound like a riddle or a quiz

and he leads me down a trail

of ever growing mystery, that I will never see clearly

why do I always fail?

#

I really tried to understand his point of view

but I don’t feel anything at all

other than that, I feel deja vu

my life’s synchronicity

it’s sort of bringing me closer to you

it really feels like a cliche

and i don’t know where to find you

down the hallway

maybe you were in my mind all along

or maybe I was wrong

#

and did you?

did you betray?

#

what the hell is going on?

what the hell is going on!

#

I see them staring at me from outside

even though my curtains are drawn

The sun feels so bright

even though I sit in the peace of dawn

#

Hey, are you around me now? Well if you aren’t

gather around me and come on!

I will travel to other universes

and there I will find someone

#

He’s so close yet so far away

I saw him earlier

He was prancing on my front lawn

like a white knight swan

and then he flew away

#

Oh why do you dissapear

every time I get so close to your trail

Oh why do I always fail…?

I’m sorry friend, I didn’t quite hear

my eyes and ears are unclear

and I seem to be lost out here

#

And my surroundings look like a confusing smear

And looking at you is like looking into a mirror

is this the new reality

they call New Earth?

Am I looking back in time

about a bajillion light years?

#

Yeah, I saw you sneer -_-

you don’t like what I’m thinking

you never support my thoughts

you never want to get too near

#

And you think I’m a crazy person in a game

you think I’m making this up, you think I’ve gone insane

but I’m not so vain

#

I’ve lost my sense of sane or my sense of way

does it really matter anyway

I’m no longer apart of this world today

and I’m not sure

about tomorrow

I’m just unsure!

#

As my guts start to decay

I see funny looking kids with green hairspray

and they think they know it all

but they don’t know about my pain

#

And as the stars twinkle in their disarray

joined by twinkling gems dancing a ballet

I think to myself that no one really knows

maybe not even those UFO’s

#

Hey Mr. Alien, please take me away

I don’t like it here anymore, I just want to start again

somewhere not here!

You can’t just leave me here

after implanting these things in my brain

I thought we were close….

I thought we were the same

#

No, that’s not why I am here!

I’ve had enough of these humans

they aren’t obeying my orders

they are nonsense

they are all disordered

nothing on Earth makes sense

#

And as I stand up, I feel kind of intense

I see his face through the billowy clouds of incense

and before he can dissapear

I ask him why am I here

#

And they give me gold chains,

aside from games,

also a crown and I frown and hand them a chain link fence

Oh I don’t mean to push you away in my defence

I’m just no longer feeling like who I am, I am existing in past tense

And the pain is so immense

My body feels like it is expanding

hence my lack of understanding

and in my expense

I guess two worlds are at war as they merge

It is that which we commence

#

But dad, I heard the call a long time ago

It’s not fair that I have to do these things like so

cleaning up the crime scenes of humanity

and why am I so destined

to be here for what feels like eternity

#

and why have I sinned

am I really free

am I just a rabbit

am I just an absentee?

#

I don’t see anything around me

I don’t know what is going on

and when you said I was talking backwards

I guess I can kind of agree

 #

It’s all a paradox you see

and when it comes to life after death

that is one thing I can guarantee

but when it comes to life

I really don’t know what I see

is there anything really around me?

#

What the hell is going on!

What the hell is going on?

#

Why do I feel like everything is moving on

without me as I just stand here

falling through the earth as it yawns

I guess I never moved

but how can I be so sure!

#

Was I captured?

Was I captured?

#

Did you betray me

in the Rapture?

in the Rapture?

#

Oh why is everything so obscure?

I don’t know anything anymore

I feel so insecure

with my reality

my reality has been altered

and my body

is changing

and my mind is so unsure

Adopted

I am a travesty

I wish I knew my ancestry

but i don’t because my own kin disowned me

#

I am racist towards my skin

ashamed of my people’s sins

i doubt we found amnesty

#

no, my face isn’t alchemy

I don’t think I

shapeshift into another ethnicity

yet some claim i am white

while some claim i am brown

i doubt i will ever be found

by anybody

#

i used to cut my flesh deep

so that i could escape the colour of my skin

or divide myself

like the adopted halfbreed I am

#

I don’t want to be a chameleon

I just want to be a solid person

#

i wish i could love all of me

but i don’t want to be this white girl

i don’t like this white world

But I’m not sure I feel comfortable with any of me

#

just feed me to the vultures

just a mutt who delves in all cultures

and never belongs

#

i just want to be a solid person

trying to find answers

but instead the pain worsens

i just want a family to belong to

I don’t want to trespass on a culture that can never be mine

#

i don’t belong anywhere

but my heart shows me how

all i have is who I have become to be

and i know who i am spiritually

they will never take me seriously

i will never have factual proof of my ancestry

they will never want me

disgraced and rejected

but I am still me

#

I don’t need history

to create the life that’s in front of me

#

I don’t need them to tell me who they think I am

I don’t need biological family to save me

#

I am a mystery

but I know who I am

that truth waits within me

I don’t need race to define me

my ancestry doesnt have to be my identity