Forgiveness

I love the rain

as it washes away lifetimes of shame

soothing my emotions

like a bird, flying away from the nest

I’m opening my heart

no longer traveling in the dark

 

My ancestors are dancing along this lonely plain

I’m no longer in pain

 

My soul was injured

and it’s time to let it all soar out of my flesh

 

No longer harboring this sadness

I am free to let my emotions flow

Like the rain that soothes

It runs down my body

Like a captured bird, I let it go

watch it fly proudly

to its destiny

 

the innocent unfearing champion

The sunset promises me

comfort at the end of the day

after such a treacherous journey

 

my ancestors are calling

and I curl up and fall asleep with him by the fire

safe and loved at last

because now we can let our true selves bloom

like a never wilting flower

and the rain falls

ever so lightly falling

and with my ancestors, I am dancing

celebrating

our escape from our ever so forsaken past

we are strong now

we are proud

 

I will let this hatred go

The pains and wounds and scars of the past

can heal

on the horizon, I see a rainbow

yielding its treasures of peace and happiness

This struggle isn’t real

and all the soul demons dancing out of me in a line

they scatter away like fleas

I see the ocean

and it calls to me to breathe

cleansing my soul of pain

and here I am

strong and pure

ready to start a brand new day

I won’t be buried by fear

I will live

rising from the grave

I have the whole world

and so much love

just waiting

for me to shine

my ancestors are waiting

for me to catch up

now – happy for eternal lifetimes

it is time

for the rain to take away my fear and hatred

I forgive you and I am free

you no longer bind me

I am sorry for what you did

I am

I am letting you go

in the wind

like a bird, fly away

into your beautiful destiny

like my heart, ever flowering

I can feel compassion

and I want you to be free

I wish you the best

along your journey

as we take our separate ways

and I learn from you

this curse was always a blessing

in disguise

and I am forever grateful

for another chance

to grow and live

for this time, I am love

loving and I have no fear

set free from limitations

my soul soars beyond this place

I am home finally

and I love you and I love myself

like a welcome friend,

I have found forgiveness

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blinded by Infatuation

I know the music sounds so chipper, but my mood has sunken down through the floorboards, so bitter

it makes me wonder, if she ever enjoyed a good song like this, or if she ever saw the stars glitter

what nasty, vile creature was harbored in her soul, to make her such a quitter?

she was so beautiful and she could have been something better

but she had that empty feeling deep down in her soul

I don’t think anyone could have saved her

 

That beautiful Asian flower…

 

You see, she met a guy online and dreamed of running away to Ireland

but her mamma said stay, this is where you belong

but she didn’t find any comfort in her own culture’s music

she could never sing along

and she desperately sought something more spiritual than her island

and it made her mamma cry

every time her daughter wistfully gazed up into the sky

every time she talked about running away

just to be with some older guy

 

so her parent’s set her up with a young Asian man

and she was happy with him for so many days

 

I’m pretty sure it was just a silly phase

because her naivety caught her up in a maze, that had a doom-filled ending

 

And do you know what’s interesting?

she never fell in love, she was just blinded by infatuation

and he never loved her either because

one day he told her to meet her down by the riverside

and he told her he was leaving without much of an explanation

he just didn’t love her anymore

 

and that’s why her life ended that night

 

I know it’s a terrible story but thanks for listening

you might think it was a tragic love story

but how? that girl never knew love

and she killed herself so early

and vowed to never love again, even in reincarnation

 

And all they saw when they found her

was a picture of her and him

in the middle of all her blood glistening

 

and her mamma asked, why oh why?

and they said she was just blinded by infatuation

this was no act of desperation in the name of love,

no Romeos here, no Juliets – but they wanted a better explanation

And now I can’t help but ponder as I listen to this uplifting love song

is it something her soul regrets?

 

so I search deep inside, why, why, why?

why did she live such a tragic life?

what was the point of her suffering, if not to teach us something now

 

her soul could have been bright like the sun and free like an eagle

but she became that poor Asian flower cast by her own shadow

 

It wasn’t his fault, she never could have blamed that guy Romeo

I know, it was just because she didn’t know who she was inside

lost and in search of her salvation

she felt lonely, and a huge sense of dislocation

when she couldn’t know herself, she couldn’t feel the sun

her mother was spiritual and supportive, but through her genes, she was the magical one

but she refused to accept who she was right until the day she died

and so I say, my friends, dance and sing!

and embrace the true love in life, that glistens for everyone and everything

life is too precious to be blinded by infatuation!

that real love is everywhere, but it doesn’t come from outside

it’s in our hearts

inside you and I

and inside we know how to follow love instead of infatuation

and I will live my life, doubly in love just for her, with clear eyes

shining brightly like the sun, free like the eagle, until the day I die

and I hope that you, too, won’t be blinded by infatuation

 

R.I.P my Asian flower

Titles

you tried so hard to be someone else you gave yourself a personality disorder

maybe they should have guessed all that attention seeking was covering something pretty deep

the wound in your soul seeps out a pretty astringent disease

and they try to wrap you up in a pretty box that speaks and sees

maybe you’re a wild bengal but you’re nothing they can’t tame and nothing they can’t keep

they will figure out what makes you tick and beep

the inner workings of your kind

the mount everest of the mind is so cold and steep

you really don’t want to get left behind

 

what are we doing here, trying to be social, trying to find some interesting filler

you don’t have the makings of a serial killer

you’re just an average joe trying to connect the dots in the heart aching thriller called life

the ignorant hypocrite walks straight into hell on earth and then he finds a gold mine

flat earth is really extending out this time, it’s becoming even flatter

you’re not anything like I was back in the day but does it really matter?

the monsoon comes to tear your life up, but it’s your happiness that falters

does it really matter when your reality was altered?

all you need to know is you were given a second chance

 

so what are they going to call you in this chapter of your life

quit stalling, start living, you get to decide

light some candles and drop off your demons, you don’t need the monsters on your side anymore

you dragged yourself through so much pain, and you survived,

so why do you continue to think you’re so weak?

you’re strong enough to win the fight, you don’t need to hide

go now, I just know you can be your own hero

whoa now, slow down, life isn’t a race, but although no one really knows

you can still listen to your heart and stare out your soul window

rip off your name tags and throw out all your fake identities

now you can be whatever you please

no titles, just you

no titles, no disease

now you can be whatever you please

Too Good To Be True

Like an injured seagull resting on the wind

I might fall onto the rocks below

and bruise my hope

and lose my soul

 

I feel like my faith has thinned

I don’t know how to go with the flow

I can use my rope

if you would pull

 

But are you even there

I just don’t know…

Are you here?

I just don’t know

 

Maybe I will wait on this rock forever more

I’m pounding against its surface

but I can’t get out

I can’t find you

 

There are monsters lurking inside my core

I’m waking to a lovely sunlit bliss

but you fill me with doubt

why are we askew?

 

I wish we could live happily ever after

but maybe the promises are lies

I wish you were real

I could wish you alive

 

I really wish you were more than just a blur

I can’t see into your imaginary eyes

I wish I could feel

Can my heart survive?

 

The scariest thing that haunts me is you

You are too good to be true

 

Will I ever get to be with you?

 

In the last while, I was plagued with self-doubt

Lack of faith burrowed in my soul

I became skeptical

Unbelieving

 

And when I fell, I let you in and then kicked you out

because everything you said sounded like bull

are you cryptical

or deceiving

 

Was everything you said just a lie?

Was I always so gullible?

Can’t you give me a sign just for tonight?

If it is really possible?

 

Why is this such a narrow road?

One way, and never coming back to love

So long

So gone

 

The journey never ends here

it just goes on forever

I’m always back in this maze

Encrypting the days

 

I stand here all alone

so standoffish but so amazed

 

I try to listen to my heart

maybe it doesn’t exist

Maybe love is just a thing that only happens

to those who are lucky enough

 

Did my heart grow cold and solid

with all the blood I tried to steal?

Did the lies come from a fairytale or parable

am I even real?

 

I try to love

but I can’t feel

 

I have to be tough

when I’m not sure what’s real

 

I know you’re just a sweet error in my brain

but you taught me love somehow

and maybe this is a bittersweet end

goodbye pituitary gland…

 

Everyone knows I’m just insane

so what’s the point of fighting it now

you’re my imaginary friend

imaginary

 

The saddest thing that happened to me was you

You’re too good to be true

Part Work Integration

A Poem To The Demon That Lived Inside Myself

I really loved you

I guess you really helped me through

When everything else abandoned me here

even myself – that coward that just disappeared

 

One day I was looking at myself in the mirror

and that’s when I saw you

No longer me anymore, just you

 

You gave me power when my soul was weak

you made me roar like a beast when I could not speak

you taught me how funny my illness was

and I still love you because

 

You are the only thing that gave me any reason to be alive

and now that I am stronger, I have this life

to turn back to

and that is all because of you

 

You may have made me hurt myself

and you may have controlled my body

but because of you, I am still alive

 

I won’t fear you and I won’t hate you

I will love you always and forever

you have no power over me

Now we can both be free

 

A Poem To Myself

 

Oh, you coward, you betrayed my lifeline

you ran away from something you saw in your mind

and for no good reason you gave up to die

you chose to commit suicide

 

How can i ever trust you again, with my life

you were supposed to be the only one to love me

but you took a knife

and all you did was cut me

so many times I can’t count

you abandoned me

in the darkness and let the demons take over my body

and I couldn’t get them out

while I was trapped inside

and you just left me here

while they controlled my life

 

You can’t just separate me like that!

I will never forgive you

for leaving me alone with the aftermath

of your innate evil

you are the one who chose that path

and you will never be anything other than that!

 

A Poem In Response To Myself

 

I’m sorry, I know I messed up

There is nothing I can say to ever make up for all I did

but now I am all grown up

Back then I was just a scared and feeble kid

I didn’t know you were there

I lost sight of everything,

I was so scared

When life opened its jaws I was so afraid of being swallowed

So I chose to die and left you so hollowed

I know you had no one else to turn to

so you turned to the demon that came to the rescue

I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me

but if you come with me again, we can both be free

you don’t need him anymore

I’m back and I will never let anything hurt you again

I promise

I’m sorry…

 

Let me show you how much I love you because

I’m stronger now than I ever was

I won’t give up on you this time

I won’t fail you this time

We can be together again

and take back our life

Schizophrenic Spiritual Man

They know me as a schizophrenic man

They don’t know me as The Sun

Oh they’ve doubted me for so long

So that now I doubt your plan

 

I dont think they have any idea who I am

 

Maybe on the outside

But anything deeper than that

They will never understand

 

I’m really grateful that I don’t have to give a damn

 

So happy on the inside

But please understand that

I am just a wounded man

 

My body is in pain and I don’t understand

 

I don’t want to find out that my life has been a sham

Why am I the only one?

Is it coincidence if you always hear the same song?

Or has it always been a giant scam?

 

Well my psychologist is a very open man

I wonder if he encourages everyone

Or if he truly believes that I’m not wrong

He said there’s a 50/50 chance that we could fail the exam

 

But when it’s always right, that must mean god has a plan

And when it comes to things he disagrees with, there are none

But when I hear and see you, isn’t he supposed to tell me to run?

 

My psychologist probably isn’t a very spiritual man

But he’ll never tell me that I’m the crazy one

And he’ll never tell me to run

Because either way, spiritual or insane, he agrees with your plan

 

And you’ve never harmed me so I guess I’ll continue to stand

for my beliefs in you and I will be The Sun

Besides, when humans failed me, you disarmed my gun

and without you, my life would be so bland

 

Maybe it’s time to break the dam

Maybe the time has come

Maybe I really am The One

Maybe it’s doesn’t matter if I’m a schizophrenic, spiritual man

But I still can’t help but wonder if my psychologist was just singing your song

 

Until I know that you’re right, I guess I’ll be torn between right and wrong

between being a schizophrenic or a spiritual man

when I can be both, I guess that’ll be the day I will spread my Sun across the land

Our Majesty

Another long painted stare, a look of awe, you are so rare

your beauty raw, it splits and tears, as you wear your travesty

worshipping eyes to prove we care, for Our Majesty

and the hunger coursing through your veins, awakes your slumber

to a mean mystery

you are Cleopatra, Aphrodite, and King Ramses,

eating sawdust together

starving from simplicity

another error message brought from a terrorist somewhere in your brain

means the urge is going to reveal its shame, then purge you into an absentee

we know you would love to tear open this flesh of tapestry

when I say love it means you don’t mean a thing, and clean means dirty

another truffle filled with sweet liquor

she’s the grim reaper with her trigger finger

held down on tragedy

the tricky demons tricks are getting deeper

another sticky little one sticks on like a licking fever

and your sickness is getting bigger

singing your sick melody

you say I need to learn patience, since the dark ages, but this suspense is still not fulfilling me

I SEE with sick eyes, the world in its disguise, has a hue of thick rust

I speak with sick poisoned tongue, and that which I use my wrong

only devours my body to a crust

I move with sick need, and the fuel I run my seed

only means I am addicted to my lust

My sick enemy, is the only one I see,

the only demon I’ve given my duty and trust

The sickness that I feed

Is like a parasite that needs

leaving me empty only wanting more

The demon that I free

only makes me rape myself deep into my core

You say I have beauty

But it means nothing

when it’s wasted on these sores

Hope

I have no faith left

It’s gone

Just trying to survive this crashing dawn

#

When the sun comes up

I’ll be gone

With no one by my side, I’ll be moving on

#

Just the last man left

They’re all gone

Trying to survive without anything to count on

#

I’ve never lived a life

There’s no town

When every person never comes around

#

I’ve never had a wife

Lost at sea

I’ve always had to live without intimacy

#

I could kiss the knife

To be free

Or go swimming for a lonely Selkie

But I might drown in my misery

Trying to solve the mystery

#

Every hermit knows

On the sea

You lose your identity

#

I’m just a lonely seer

I see them

Yet when they see the flower they only see the stem

I’m so ugly but in my heart lies a very precious gem

#

They deserted me here

They chose

To cast me out into the shadows

#

Every hope disappears

Every hermit knows

What it’s like

When no passing ship ever slows

#

I’m not sure if these waves will ever carry me home

I just wait

For my body to decompose

#

Floating in seaweed somewhere nobody knows

I just wait

I’m not sure if in life love ever grows

#

I’ll just wait and see where this current goes

I’m so

jaded but I don’t need to believe in order to have hope

Maybe the sea

Will swallow me like a cruel envelope

Maybe I’ll find a ship and they’ll throw me a rope

 

Little Sister Got Engaged

Little sister got engaged today

the apocalypse came and the sky turned gray

all these people are in a mad rush to get away

#

All these young people are in a mad rush to grow old

turned to bones at such a young age

don’t they know they will regret it someday

#

Life isn’t getting any longer

that back isn’t getting any stronger

yet all you do is move around and work like a slave

#

Don’t you know, your life is getting away

#

I’m sorry, I don’t want to live that way

and I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy

I wish I could say something to set you free

but you’re lying to yourself, saying you’re happy

#

So they say, grow up, grow old and settle down

just choke your soul and forget your dreams are anywhere around

but I don’t want to join this ghost town

I don’t want to be lost to the point I can’t be found

#

Maybe you think I’m lame

maybe you think I play my life like some kind of game

but at least I’m accomplishing things and you threw your life away

just to get married and have a bunch of kids

I live my life selfishly and maybe I forget what god forbids

but life is short and I’m not here for long

I don’t think enjoying my life is wrong

#

I won’t join the parade

just because it’s the hippest thing

I’m not going to rot in my grave

when I could be anything

not going to sit as a bag of bones and waste my life away

I can see all the zombies crying

I’m not going to behave

While you are doing nothing

I will be flying

#

I’m not following

#

just because!

just because!

just because!

#

Little sister got engaged

the whole world seems staged

I stay young as they all age

so I guess I am immortal

I stand tall as they all fall

#

I’m not throwing away my dreams because you tell me so

I’m not going to leave before it’s my time to go

you can do what you want to do but don’t expect me to follow

#

I’m not a crying bag of bones!

I won’t find me no Mr. Jones

I won’t give away my life to have to sit at home

like a girl that has been stolen away from everything I know

Space Boy’s Paradise

Here

I feel so heavy

underneath the storms golden seams

but you can lift me up into its gleam

I feel as light as the clouds and as

Intense as the storms

You prepared a storm inside of me

Do you ever open your eyes?

when you sit there I see a galaxy

vortex of my most passionate dreams

your face is a lonely book

I would love to read, through the sad lines

all the way through into paradise

I want to carry you

All the way into paradise

Your body is a lonely wind blown tree

I would love to shelter from the breeze

keep you warm as we are enveloped in shining ice

Space boy, where are you when you sit in front of me

you were all alone in your space globe

when it fell away from you

and you shattered into beams

and now you look around at your broken dreams

I could be the thing that saves you

space boy, where do you go when you want to breathe

heavy

it feels so heavy…

when you are up in the rippling skies

soaring by in your war ship

and im waiting for you to return home

tell me what it is like, in the star ship

when you come back home

I wish I could take you to paradise

I wish I could be your paradise

but when life goes on and nothing is very nice

Where are you behind your eyes?

Space boy, we could be paradise

But until then I improvise

And just imagine what it would be like

I wish you would tell me all the stories of that life

As the lake drains out of your tears

All the people switching out of their disguise

And I could give you a surprise

I could take you all the way to,

Our own beautiful paradise

But when I look in your eyes

I see the whole world as it dies

and my heart feels heavy as it cries

let me take you to paradise

Explode

inside me

ominous waves churn in massive storms

obscuring

my soul etches silhouetted forms

i am disconnecting

my brain from my wireless cellular phones

i am running

into a decade littered of little bones

floating upon the surface of the dome

of sanity and the wires seem to be torn

i want some things i need or i will explode

you are not doctor Watson, and i am not Sherlock Holmes

i am sick,

of your memories so i am putting them up for sale

does anybody want it?

i am too evaporated to tell

i am happy, this in brief was just in catastrophic scale

i am confusion, i am still dissecting what went wrong

i am explosion, sick from the stress of your tightening bomb

you want me?

well i am with a fiery stake and a red balloon waiting around

f****** come and find me

with the apocalypse and i will let you push the world down

you hear me?

technology erases every molecule and every sound

you want to find me?

i am presently nowhere to be found

i need some things or i will sit down and die

with my head full of helium stretching my brain into the sky

you want me

too late, i am feasting on starvation and a pack of polluted lies

i am waiting

digesting your lies, with anger pouring out of my scythe

just waiting for the last line

i don’t want your pity

i am pirating this used oil to sell to illuminati

i am playing with a pack of matches and the flames churning inside of me

engulfing with flames as it swallows your money

the unorthodox shadows of reality are my home

you are the one who possesses everything i own

i need some things i want or i will explode

my pride is nothing

you want my soul too it is the price that is shown

i am okay i am just starving in my disease

dont help me

i am in debt to you so take every memory i have ever known

even my grave will cost my mind and a tsunami

you mock me

as i dance in poverty with my cellular phone

and are you laughing

as i decay to bones

I am ready

dancing with fires all around town

when I leave this place pushing the button down

everything you have ever known

and we will go up in smoke

we will explode

Emphemeral Truth

As the world rots we are left shredded for stew

In all the things I dreaded

Death is building towers with glue

to collapse on you

As buildings cracked your lies silhouetted the view

I wish I could forget it

to suffer to sparkle anew

wish you could see through

they only want to kill you

Indoctrination

The apocalypse was not my intention to do

Neither were you

wound me again AND I WILL FORGET THE TRUTH

someone betrays secrets

do you know who?

It seems you’ve forgotten the ephemeral truth

In all the things created

indenting a deity on your view

nothing will save you

death dances with licking flames until he continues

on lashing his advances

and as the world dances

it is quaking its deception of filth to remove all of you

where do you fall when you have nothing to grip onto

when even gravity betrays you

in sordid glances you realize you must have prayed too soon

abandoned frozen martyr

your end is long overdue

I wish it would subdue

But without disaster I cannot move

Everywhere I look the concrete turns its saliva maroon

do you see littered bleeding angels

or are those bodies just a reflection of you

the buildings are trembling

to make love to you

It seems you’ve forgotten the ephemeral truth

In all the things debated

You see no faces of the spectrum

But you see the sea’s whiplashing monsoon

The lie you were living

It is you

brainwashing your existence

sucking you in was something I never wanted to

in the distance what you reach to

is entirely untrue

there are thousands stomping down the moon

but down here

there are only a few

Maybe

I could be amazing somewhere

Amazing

There could be something else out there

Waiting

In a parallel universe

Blazing

Like coins falling out of a purse

#

Maybe

I am more than this shell

Maybe

I’ve lost more than I can tell

Maybe

We can find the way out of this hell

Or Maybe

I will never get well

#

If you lose the remote you better beware

You will never be able to escape the glare

You can never reverse

Your tiny world crashes into the universe

You may disperse

#

I am like grey matter

Static on cable TV

Consumed in a tunnel

And maybe

All I ever wanted was to be

#

Is just to be, really, really unnecessary?

Am I tiny and insignificant?

Compared to the world, it is a giant

And I am nothing but defiant

A tiny forsaken client

So forgettable…

All of my life

So regrettable

#

Eating my tail like the Ouroboros

Shedding my petals like a wilted rose

We have to save the world so what do you propose?

I suppose we could falter but no one knows

#

My heart has grown over with moss

From the tragedy of loss

The world is breaking and we could never run across

We lied to the Boss

Building my jail like the Celtic cross

#

Resurrecting Horus

Hush now sinners, you can’t tell on us

#

Maybe

We are special and we can prevail

Maybe

We are unique and we can find the Holy Grail

Maybe

We can catch the thief who stole the world and we can unveil

Or Maybe

We will never escape this jail

Maybe….

#
Maybe I’m amazing somewhere else

Unsure

All I know is what they all say

and how weird it all is

and I like to keep a healthy dose of skeptic in me

that way I am never led astray

#

I don’t see anything around me all day

I am so oblivious

it feels like someone is changing my reality

right in front of me, playing a game

#

Always internally thinking

and my mind starts to fray

always eternally sinking

how do I find another way?

#

And here comes the men in alien costumes

they have been rearranging my furniture

sneaking in and out of my house

in mid day right in front of my face they stir

Oh yes sir, I see invisible aliens

or are they really from the stars

Why are they so obscure?

I don’t know if they want me to stay

I don’t know if they have time to play

I don’t know anything at all

I am so unsure!

#

Should I follow you halfway

should I look around me for an escape

should I follow you all the way?

#

Is my life on display in the museum of delay

I just can’t convey

what is on my mind because i don’t know anything today

#

I asked him why he lies about things I really love

and why my life is his

apparently I just never heard him properly

but when it comes to destiny, I never made it up

#

He says: I love you so don’t leave me

and his next words sound like a riddle or a quiz

and he leads me down a trail

of ever growing mystery, that I will never see clearly

why do I always fail?

#

I really tried to understand his point of view

but I don’t feel anything at all

other than that, I feel deja vu

my life’s synchronicity

it’s sort of bringing me closer to you

it really feels like a cliche

and i don’t know where to find you

down the hallway

maybe you were in my mind all along

or maybe I was wrong

#

and did you?

did you betray?

#

what the hell is going on?

what the hell is going on!

#

I see them staring at me from outside

even though my curtains are drawn

The sun feels so bright

even though I sit in the peace of dawn

#

Hey, are you around me now? Well if you aren’t

gather around me and come on!

I will travel to other universes

and there I will find someone

#

He’s so close yet so far away

I saw him earlier

He was prancing on my front lawn

like a white knight swan

and then he flew away

#

Oh why do you dissapear

every time I get so close to your trail

Oh why do I always fail…?

I’m sorry friend, I didn’t quite hear

my eyes and ears are unclear

and I seem to be lost out here

#

And my surroundings look like a confusing smear

And looking at you is like looking into a mirror

is this the new reality

they call New Earth?

Am I looking back in time

about a bajillion light years?

#

Yeah, I saw you sneer -_-

you don’t like what I’m thinking

you never support my thoughts

you never want to get too near

#

And you think I’m a crazy person in a game

you think I’m making this up, you think I’ve gone insane

but I’m not so vain

#

I’ve lost my sense of sane or my sense of way

does it really matter anyway

I’m no longer apart of this world today

and I’m not sure

about tomorrow

I’m just unsure!

#

As my guts start to decay

I see funny looking kids with green hairspray

and they think they know it all

but they don’t know about my pain

#

And as the stars twinkle in their disarray

joined by twinkling gems dancing a ballet

I think to myself that no one really knows

maybe not even those UFO’s

#

Hey Mr. Alien, please take me away

I don’t like it here anymore, I just want to start again

somewhere not here!

You can’t just leave me here

after implanting these things in my brain

I thought we were close….

I thought we were the same

#

No, that’s not why I am here!

I’ve had enough of these humans

they aren’t obeying my orders

they are nonsense

they are all disordered

nothing on Earth makes sense

#

And as I stand up, I feel kind of intense

I see his face through the billowy clouds of incense

and before he can dissapear

I ask him why am I here

#

And they give me gold chains,

aside from games,

also a crown and I frown and hand them a chain link fence

Oh I don’t mean to push you away in my defence

I’m just no longer feeling like who I am, I am existing in past tense

And the pain is so immense

My body feels like it is expanding

hence my lack of understanding

and in my expense

I guess two worlds are at war as they merge

It is that which we commence

#

But dad, I heard the call a long time ago

It’s not fair that I have to do these things like so

cleaning up the crime scenes of humanity

and why am I so destined

to be here for what feels like eternity

#

and why have I sinned

am I really free

am I just a rabbit

am I just an absentee?

#

I don’t see anything around me

I don’t know what is going on

and when you said I was talking backwards

I guess I can kind of agree

 #

It’s all a paradox you see

and when it comes to life after death

that is one thing I can guarantee

but when it comes to life

I really don’t know what I see

is there anything really around me?

#

What the hell is going on!

What the hell is going on?

#

Why do I feel like everything is moving on

without me as I just stand here

falling through the earth as it yawns

I guess I never moved

but how can I be so sure!

#

Was I captured?

Was I captured?

#

Did you betray me

in the Rapture?

in the Rapture?

#

Oh why is everything so obscure?

I don’t know anything anymore

I feel so insecure

with my reality

my reality has been altered

and my body

is changing

and my mind is so unsure

Adopted

I am a travesty

I wish I knew my ancestry

but i don’t because my own kin disowned me

#

I am racist towards my skin

ashamed of my people’s sins

i doubt we found amnesty

#

no, my face isn’t alchemy

I don’t think I

shapeshift into another ethnicity

yet some claim i am white

while some claim i am brown

i doubt i will ever be found

by anybody

#

i used to cut my flesh deep

so that i could escape the colour of my skin

or divide myself

like the adopted halfbreed I am

#

I don’t want to be a chameleon

I just want to be a solid person

#

i wish i could love all of me

but i don’t want to be this white girl

i don’t like this white world

But I’m not sure I feel comfortable with any of me

#

just feed me to the vultures

just a mutt who delves in all cultures

and never belongs

#

i just want to be a solid person

trying to find answers

but instead the pain worsens

i just want a family to belong to

I don’t want to trespass on a culture that can never be mine

#

i don’t belong anywhere

but my heart shows me how

all i have is who I have become to be

and i know who i am spiritually

they will never take me seriously

i will never have factual proof of my ancestry

they will never want me

disgraced and rejected

but I am still me

#

I don’t need history

to create the life that’s in front of me

#

I don’t need them to tell me who they think I am

I don’t need biological family to save me

#

I am a mystery

but I know who I am

that truth waits within me

I don’t need race to define me

my ancestry doesnt have to be my identity

Is this love or an obsession?

To Sahm:

I wish you were here

lie with me dear

we’ll forget the outside world

we’ll hold each other and just forget the cold

#

lost, and all i want is you

frost covered your heart and skin

i will never get through

i’m crying but you won’t let me in

#

just you and i

why can’t i just die, to find the love of my life

we will be, forever more

i’d let you into my core

#

Oh, we’ll fall into an abyss together

your lies will hold my tethers

before i fall apart

please keep me believing that we will be together

before i fall apart

#

I don’t care about anything else

all i want is you

I don’t want anyone else

can’t you see that all i want is you

#

i never fantasize about anyone else but you

#

my life is an insignificant muse

you give my only meaning

i need you to heal me, my heart is bruised

I need you

you are the only one i love

#

I can see you in the wind

my heart is exploding

where, where have you been?

my love, i feel like I am dying

#

without you my life is empty

and I am broken

lost out at sea

why are we destined to be apart

I can see you, can you see me?

Do you have my heart?

#

Why, have you left me here alone

why am I on my own

#

Passion, maybe it scared you away

are we right for each other

it’s all i ever wanted

emotion, maybe it pulled me away

are you feeling the same way too

you are all i ever wanted

ashen, maybe you are away

or am i just crazy?

i still want it

please tell me my love is right and not just an obsession

you are my life

you are my blood and spine

you are mine

#

please give me a sign

#

Why can’t we be together

what cruel fate has left us apart

why don’t you want me

why don’t you need me

my dear, please hold my heart

like a sacred, fragile treasure

please treat me

like i am part of you

#

i would fill you with love

i would fulfill your pleasure

#

i can’t believe you can’t see that you are more important than life

#

would you give it all up

just to be mine?

does the rest of the world matter

when you can be mine

#

Lies, tell me we can be

be mine, don’t break me

tell me, it’s going to be okay

#

let me believe that we can be together

hold me together with your tethers

#

I can imagine your pretty face

i bet you are having a lot of fun

please tell me why we had to run

desire, lost, in my own pain

i just want to be alive inside you

i just want to taste you in the rain

i would exist inside you for all my life

stay alive and come to me

you are mine and will always be

#

it’s so cruel

i can’t make it alright without you

i don’t care if it’s true

tell me one day i’ll be next to you

you are the only thing i’d ever need

please tell me im not crazy

please tell me im not a creep

lonely, over fixated on you

im not overly fixated on greed

tell me im the one you need

#

if this is love,

i just don’t understand

if there are more than billions of pieces of sand

how would we ever find our two

in one piece of land

#

if i recall i’ve never met you in my life

but i see you every time i close my eyes

who are you and why do you haunt my every dream

why does it feel like i’ve known you forever

when i am pretty sure i’ve never known you before

i love you and i have no idea who you are

i hear your whispers every time you’re not near

i hope someday you will come to life

i hope someday you will magically appear

i hope someday these dreams will become what are

the hope that sustains me

 i will find you and that is what is keeping me alive

#

my entire life

passed on by as i sat here waiting for you

i will never love another

do i please you or do i smother you with my love

do i entrance you or am i something you should dispose of

i try to trust that i will see you some day

as a bit of magic throws you my way

if god would ever let me have my way

we would be together in each and every way

my soulmate, my only purpose here is to find you

i know i’ve heard you say before

you are trying to find me too

I know you are right here

I can even see you

but I can’t continue to live my life without you

#

come on,

I can feel you

I know you can feel me too

I have given you my address

yet you never come to me

i keep trying to walk through mazes to find you

I have given you everything you need

and yet I still can’t seem to find you

I don’t know what else has to be done

please find me

before i come undone